I call Myself ..A Peaceful Warrior

i guess.. with time... i have become an expert in hurting my heart...breaking it into pieces... before i allow anyone else to do it to me... Strange... i know soon... i shall again push someone away...without any reason or justification given to him... he has not been knowing that i have been thinking this for months... but every time he messages or call... he just melt me... every time i say to myself... control yourself... you will get hurt...and every time i forget when i see him... but finally this emotional fool girl has finally decided, the best way to undo what has been done ...is to ask him to undo... its not that i have not hinted him earlier...but as i realised with time... i can't act anymore ....i want him to disconnect with me before i cross my threshold... Funny.. i found a guy who is looking for someone who is like me...and i found him exactly like a guy i wanna be with...but the strange part is... i don't believe in coming close to anyone when i see he h...

it's been years that I have been so open about me with someone... One point I actually lied, which I haven't done in ages to be with him over and above what my family thought... Every time when I am internally disturbed, he is always a call away... or say he is there... but I am hesitant coz I fear to be addicted to him being around... addicted of his warm hug...addicted of not to feel alone anymore... I know its very rare to find a friend who is so sweet from their heart.. that you shall fail to not to like him.... so this story is about him... So I don't remember clearly how it began, but I do know he is a friend whom I met through a dating app...i do remember very clearly when I first met him... and his clear reaction was I am tall... and I was thinking... what??? what is he thinking...is he scanning me...men and their x rays vision...  keep forgetting... anyways... so my reaction to few of his statement in the first meeting...made me feel that he is look...

Today has been an emotional day for me... not just because i am an emotional person...but what i saw... and what it reminded me of... i guess... after really long time... i am again struggling to be strong... i know it's getting difficult every single day to walk this path all myself.... but before i share my today.. i walk through a glimpse about this week... There are things i have not been saying to people and i know i don't want them to think... that i  am weak...or emotional fool ....or stupid... but i do get hurt... i do feel lonely... i do feel sometimes someone hug me and be mine....i do feel to give up all for what i chose... So here it goes, after all, i started writing to say what i want...with all my heart open... FIRST: i seriously don't know what career is to me... for other its their passion... its their love for work... its their dream.... but i just sat... do i really love my job?... ans is NO!... why i started it in first place... i just ...

Today i am happy for my brother coz his longest struggle is finally over.... he lost his career ... his life ... his love life... coz things didn't work in favor for the longest time... but today he is starting a new job after being jobless for almost a decade.... i am so happy for him.. coz i know he will go long way... way ahead than any of us can ever be... coz he smarter than me... better than me... intelligent than i am... and finally my mom's last wish fulfilled despite being late... but never....!!! Today when i woke up... i saw him all ready to go for his life... i missed this look for the longest time. i still remember when he was in his highest point of life, and i used to look up to him... i was reminded all my life to be more of him... the best son ever.... sometimes i was jealous.. and i always used to say to my parents... you love him more than me.... but he was jealous of me... because with tym he had to share his stuff with me... and i always...

So, nothing much to talk today... everyone is rushing to reach to their loved ones... and celebrate their festive time with their family, love, life.... But i am here passing time... coz i know i feel the emptiness inside.. emptiness of missing what festive season used to mean me... Now, whenever something good comes or even a festival season is on... I just feel blank... Everyone shares their craze for the festival... some going for shopping to buy new item.. some meeting their family after a long time... some meeting their love and celebrating the festive season with them.... some going on vacation with their children... so many stories... but mine... i just feel lonely.. empty...blank ...maybe because.. i lost the meaning of being happy... maybe because i miss my mom whenever such occasion occurs... coz i celebrated the festive season with her...i was happy with her being around... Today, no reason i remember everything she did...i am just trying my best to replicat...

This is a song... but the lyrics define me in a way.... My heart is so habituated of hurting itself...that it has forgotten to fight.... Even though i feel and see a sign of the person like me... i never asked them, except once that do they like me? Coz i don't believe in assuming without knowing or being told... my imagination has no boundaries... and maybe because i am hardcoded with "Everyone is better off without you" Every time when i am in trouble... i don't have someone to call... but i remind myself.. you're alone. figure out yourself... Every time when i am sick... i don't have someone to take care of me....or even worried to know about me... Every night i go to the park and walk alone... and in my mind... i miss my mom, i missed my old me and every time i cry in that path...without other seeing me in the dark.... But today it was different... coz today is a festive nite for couples... where wife waiting for the moon to open...

My heart is empty... and everything feels blank again!!!! Past few days.... I felt something shall happen ... and I didn't know that I would end up choosing emptiness over friendship... but I know my heart is hardcoded...to be alone... Well! Yes last weekend... when I went to meet my friend... i was happy to see him and his work flourishing... he being super busy with work..and loving every moment of it.. despite how tired he was... but that day was a weird day for me. coz for no reason that day started with me dreaming about my past.. which I never did for a really long time... and then speaking to someone whom I have not been in touch for months.. then meeting a friend and ending up seeing an online friend in the same vicinity... and I just couldn't figure out what was going on.. too much to think about it... but my soul was restless... the feeling that something shall happen..somthing major is about to come... and it did...I like that day coz unknowingly I was g...

So... today i am not writing about what has happen in my life... but today shall be a bit different ...i shall speak of my desire.... and for obvious reason not related to any professional desire... but more of personal desire... or my partner... Though i still do not believe in reality if i shall ever meet someone who shall be with me... But there is no harm in imaging one...  a guy who hug me forever... kiss me publicly ... yeah read it rite... A guy who can kiss me publicly, not with eyes to get something from me... but to be mine forever... i am not looking for charming handsome guy... but i am also not saying i am gonna go with anyone... yeah.. whenever i listen to so many love story.. i always wished.. if i shall ever be lucky enough...to have a story which i shall keep for lifetime.. but these are all imaginations.... i just know this..my man shall never leave my hand...my man shall be my best-est friend...and i shall be his... we shall be all over the places..s...

It's so easy to restart a machine... just press the power button... and voila your done!.... all the glitches, hangup , error all sorted.... wondered if their was a restart button of your life... which helps you to remove your failure.. your errors.. your mistakes.... i missed me so much... the web of life can take you away from you.... so let just say... today's sitting on my balcony and watching the beautiful weather... i asked myself... why to pity on things which is not meant to pity... and why to hang around with ppl whose ideology don't match with you... why to adjust for people who take you for granted...just because you love them... not necessary they love you back.... i miss someone today... whom i know he is my perfect marriage material guy...but i ddn want him to hold on to me... so yeah... my push ppl away habit.. i pushed him away too.... So, he was the 1st guy who gave me the comfort of the hug...my first hug...after mom passed away... so here is the...

Life ....which start without our control and end without our control.... but we claim to say that my life ... my way... my control.... Strange na !!! Well today.. i am happy for a friend of mine who started his own venture.... i was lucky enough to witness someone new chapter... i have always heard my friend's friend started something and they are supporting contributing his friend venture... and i admired that someone dared to walk through their dreams... unlike me...who have no clue what she want to do...... i remember very clearly...how past few days were hectic for him... and it was equally hectic for me at work.... but what i have already lived through ... i knew how to handle pressure and plan my next day accordingly... i guess... currently my friend is also tuning life with his new routine..... he always invited me to see his new project.. from designing his sign board to sharing his ideas of interior... it has been longest time i have been so in detailed discussi...

Bloody hell!! i am still in the hangover state... and just trying to come back to my normal pace.... That's it.. no more drinking ever..... i always hear stories of people and their hangover experience...and wondered... how much they drink to get hangover!!!! and why would it blast your mind as it's side effect!!! Trust me ... now i know!!! With time my drinking habit increase... it is still not what i love to do... but with time... i feel i am loosing myself... may be i found this an excuse to hide my frustration and pain.... limited was ok... but never thought i be this stupid ever in my life....or may i wanted to know what it feels to be high like this... sometimes my unconscious behavior ask me to do lot of stuff... and one is this... when i knew what i was doing is not going right... but hell.. i anyhow did it... how stupid i can ever be....well! duly noted now that i know what hangover means... and really hate this after effect... specially when you have so muc...

Well, yes as the headline state the confession of the Hug! Strange na! what kind of headline does that even mean.... well! i know what it means to me.... Today i met a friend, whom i feel he is true ! its very rare i feel this ... but i guess, with time people start learning and trusting the other person and i presume that exactly happening between us. i don't say i know him... but as he shares his stories with me...  i have started to understand him.... One of the stories he mentioned was about astrologer sharing some insight about his life past or future... and that reminded me, that my past love shared something similar to me.... which hurt me... and he also, was doing to someone in similar line! i know i have no right in other people business of what they think is right or wrong! coz definition of right is right for each individual! So here is my story, in my hard phase of my love life... were my relationship was coming to the verge of end ...Irony is, i am sharin...

When two ppl meet and they have so much going on in their lives... it's best to take it out with bottle of Wine! a beautiful Friday night... i had made plans with my friend... and as said before my life  can't be simple... even if for once i want it to be.... the judgmental eyes... of your family ... and question of trust led upon you... though being brutally honest... but those eyes will always be pointed to you!!! And the evening started with fight with my family.. tired of justifying myself every time... tired of asking my family to please believe in me... tired of pleasing others when i know i am going through the rough time of my life... none the less... no body has any clue what goes inside me... including my family.... i tried hiding myself when i met him.. but for some reason.. i have a feeling...either he has started reading me.. or else i couldn't act in-front of him... either or , despite saying myself don't bother or reveal what goes...

Their will always be a day , when you remember your past... when your engrossed in your past memories... and today is  one of those days.... Remembering past has no harm... reliving past is always harmful.... Life never ask you twice ... but if it does , it nothing more than a MIRACLE... Once in my life i have live a MIRACLE , though every miracle comes with expiration date as well.... today , i felt deeply may be someone is missing me... but my foolish little heart...  know little that your just a past in someone memory... and reliving past is always harmful.... and when you realize this you come out of that fantasy world.. of MAY B's... i can just say today... hope you don't ever relive past... hope your present is worth remembering and living through your past...

Once when someone become your habit... than your struggle starts when things has to be undone...what has been done! I have went through the process so many times that i have lost count.... once the person gets addicted to you and you too get addicted to him,the fondness, the liking...sharing of thoughts ... exchanging words and making memory.... i guess everyone struggle when things are being asked to be undone! Some are strong and some emotional.... i have also learnt the art of undoing things... but whenever i am emotionally weak... i do realize i do the most stupid stuff in the world... where i ask myself why you do such stuff... don't you have any self respect for yourself.... when you choose to undo , why try to do stuff.... things i wished to undo... things i wished to do... but the only thing i don't ever want to undo.. is my memory... with time i have learned to undo a habit... undo a routine... undo a addiction.... but i shall never be able to undo my ...

Today i realized that me feeling GUILTY is just a Myth! And i am glad finally i have this realization... else i felt so bad ,the way i behaved with others and always thought me being bad person in this whole world! Everyone finds their happiness in one way or other...and i am glad that i am guilt free today! every time whenever i did bad with others.. i hurt myself more... But this realization just lifted my spirit.... hell with others! and Hello to ME! i always believed in the quote of Live and Let Live..and i am glad today i know the meaning of it! Sometime i did feel lonely... but every time whenever i felt lonely... i felt i am glad.. and it best that i am alone.... i dont need a best friend to cry on or laugh with... i dont need a hug anymore to move on! i dont need to be scared to walk alone! i dont need to feel guilty for the way i am with people... coz i am not here for them... i am here for me!!

Sometimes i feel.. i live in the world of delusion... Delusional.. that may be their is someone who misses you ... their is someone who looks back for you... But the fact of life is that its just me who is  delusional.. and think may be someone... xxxxx anyways... that the reality that i need to keep reminding myself.. that i don't live in a farytale world... their is no one to stand-up for you apart from you... their is no one who misses you or look back to you!!! Everyone is better off without me.. and that how it should be...that how i want it to be .... Atleast i am not delusional of being on my own... and best being Alone!

I have be listening the hindi version of this song in continuous loop these day... and Today i again with my basic habit .. i pushed ppl away... and i am glad... Second time, i got effected by him.. so it was high time i kept my distance from such ppl, who can unknowing just break my rhythm.. He is nice, emotional by heart...i still remember the cry baby face he made , when we first went out to a club...that just reflected his innocence... but eventually when i started knowing him... it was best i kept my distance from him.. my negative side should never impact anyone life in any manner... he is surrounded by his loved ones.. and ladies ..well! he know what he is looking for in life... and i can see through him ....and it was high time that i  move out from this... I am always thankful... as he accompanied me when my loved ones were not around... I am always thankful... coz he was the 1st to attempt to meet my father as a friend....and he made an effort... But i als...

Well! it seem i am trying to be regular writer.. hope it stays on.... Everything in my life start very simple... and i always end up making it complicated... Already told you before that i can't digest simple... Well! i am looking for love.. but i don't let anyone come close to me... i am romantic person but i don't show that side of me to anyone... I watch all love story , the happy ever after ones... and don't believe for myself... My heart controls me... but my thoughts control my words said to other person... I don't know after him leaving.. i have hurt so many people feeling knowing and unknowingly... that i have lost count... i always feel myself out of place.. but still struggle to fit in.... i always gel with people eventually... but don't stick around.... in this whole conversation ... i have used "I"... and i am glad ..coz everytime i used to fulfill other people wish.. other peps feeling in-front of me... now i am not ashamed...

In this one year time , i met so many new people ... and every time we meet for first time ...it always feel good.. coz both show the good side of each other.... in few more meeting we like each other company... but eventually we noticed either one of us would like each other company more than a friend.....and their it complicate stuff... Coz everyone feels maybe this could work out... and every time though i like the person or not... always feel .. "their is always someone better than You" and i tend to show door to them... so that they don't come close to me... i hurt my heart so much... that it has believed now ..."Everyone is better than You" When i see all these people having fun with someone else... i know what i am missing... but i always say back to my heart... see you are meant to be ALONE... they all deserve much better...and they got... Someone asked me why you feel that your aren't lucky... Coz i don't let ppl come close to me......