Time to Push Away again!
i guess.. with time... i have become an expert in hurting my heart...breaking it into pieces... before i allow anyone else to do it to me...
Strange... i know soon... i shall again push someone away...without any reason or justification given to him...
he has not been knowing that i have been thinking this for months... but every time he messages or call... he just melt me... every time i say to myself... control yourself... you will get hurt...and every time i forget when i see him...
but finally this emotional fool girl has finally decided, the best way to undo what has been done ...is to ask him to undo... its not that i have not hinted him earlier...but as i realised with time... i can't act anymore ....i want him to disconnect with me before i cross my threshold...
Funny.. i found a guy who is looking for someone who is like me...and i found him exactly like a guy i wanna be with...but the strange part is... i don't believe in coming close to anyone when i see he has better people around...
Before he confessed i could easily see all the signs... earlier i thought he is just a friend...he has so many better options...girls falling for him...and it never affected me.... but now i realised that it has started affecting me...and before i hurt him or myself anymore...i started separating....
yes, it's not the first time i tried to disconnect... i always kept my distance not because i want too.. but that how i am... i cannot fight for someone who is being loved by so many..and why should i even try they are better, prettier in every aspect...and thats my nature... never i did earlier and neither now... and i know i am difficult coz guys like someone who fight for him... and i am person who is silent ...it took 2 years for X to make me believe that he is not going anywhere with anyone...trust me... the amount i pushed him to try with someone else has no comparision of what i am tring with this guy....
but my X was stubborn and he just sticks around to make me finally fail in my attempt and give my heart to him...
i know its not same with him... but day one he has been showing signs that matched with my past...and every time i tried to ignore but never knew he would silently grow on me....
before he went to his trekking he was just a guy whom i met, with whom i like to hangout...after he came back i thought he would get busy with someone else...but that time he was transparent with me...and that what i like about ppl who are transparent with me....so many time has have asked him to unite with your girlfriend or friend who likes you... but he said no to my face....
sometimes he did show interest in me and i kept reminding...keep distance ...he should not like me...
hence one night i actually told him...don't end up liking me... and he lied on my face...saying i will not...that start the journey of lies started from him...to me...and i let go..coz i thought i somehow communicated to him that dnt show interest in me...
But i knew, he had doubt about that i meant what i said or just because i was high...and he double checked with me once..and i assured him i meant what i said...
and i knew he was silently hurt...but i didn't say anything and make him look like i dnt realize what he thinks
when his girlfriend came back... i thought they will reunite...sometime closeness changes... so i decided to not to disturb him when she was around...and I never called...and the day she left ...he felt that loneliness and we had drinks..and he share his stories...and i was..he is so sweet...so emotional...so kind...but he has a threshold.... he never look back to ppl who has left him when he said not too... and i tried explaining..but than i realise i should not speak anything which is his personal life...coz i believe more i speak about him more i give him the access to speak about me...so yeah...i don't want that to happend...but first time i felt he is so sweet...and i guess i started liking him....so yeah i kissed him... anyways i knew he liked it...and he kinda wanted more but...i know where to draw the line...coz he forget i am traditional...and he thought i was high thats y...so he dropped me off..and he asked his cousin to pickup...dumbo as ever....so that he could build good impression infront of my family that he belongs from well-settled background...and next morning i felt..what i did...i ddn regret..but i thought is he liking this coz he is lonely as she aint here or he really geuinely like me
but next day he came again to meet me...and i was scared coz two consecutive day...and their my dad became suspicious about us...coz i never did this before...so i asked him to come inside and meet my dad ...and as soon as i open door.. we both noticed that we are wearing same color top...and i thought OMG...if we go out like this, we would look like a couple.......why the hell he wore the same color ....and my dad noticed it too..and so did he...so not to make him realise that i realise that we are wearing ,i did not reacted..but i wanted to change my top...but than if i would, he would know that i have noticed what he thought...so we went out...were he started his journey of starting his own venture...i know he litterally looked at me so many times...and he wanted to say ...but i acted that i am not noticing....i had too...i could not dare him to like me more than he already did....we checkout two different food joint...and to make this whole feeling normal... best i said you should come to this place with whom you wana date and all.. but i knew his mind spoke differently...and i read so clearly....that i acted dumb but indirectly he also said that we both are wearing same color top...and i acted that i ddn realise this before....i thought thats it...now he would drop me off...and i also knew he wanted me to stay more...and dnt know what went in my mind...i ddn say i can't ....but when i realised we are going bit ditance ..than i realised today i am dead... i be officially tagged in my family that he is the guy i like and he is my bf...and till date whenever we tend to meet..this impression of my dad stickson...
I couldn't back off of what i said...so yeah i tagged along with him for his shopping...he met his friends their...and i was why is he taking me again to a space where i should not be...so i was not in a position to say no..coz he ddn knew that i dnt feel comfortable in group...i feel out of place....but i felt he wanted to make a communication to someone through his friend that he is with someone...and i asked him...about his past ...to understand that what i felt is true or just some theory...so i made him realise that my father is waiting...and it getting late...so yeah as soon as he dropped me...he told me...go before he changes his mind...so yeah that time i realised that i trigged something which i should not have....he actually liked me...and he actually wanted more with a meaning for a change...
No wonder, it clicked me...why he kept asking me...that i would not change the way i am for anyone, would you...
but then I realized that he is in love with someone else... he should be with the person he loves... or the person who likes her.....but he was indifferent zone...and i started pushing him to pick one...
and as his days were coming closure of launch of his venture... that time i decided to not meet him unless he asks me too...so yeah...i tried not call...i tried to not to meet...so that he start feeling disconnected..and i shared my one blog to make him realise...that dnt judge ppl...dnt judge love on this basis....but as i was afraid he might be smart enough then he will have access to my whole story....
and it came true.... he actually read my whole story...and i was afraid coz he actually liked me...and he than came to my place...and introduced me to his uncle...again my ocward situation...so yeah....again he shared somthing which shocked me...sayin he was thinking of inviting me to his family event and i was why on earth you want to me attend your family event...but the way he said to his uncle was to know him and analyse if this is right...i was actually scared...of what is going in his mind... i am tring to disconnect...and he is tring just the opposite...
that night i was in two different directions...and the night i had my first hangover...and literally not remember a part of that night where i was being reminded that i actually kissed him so many times...and i was shocked...what the F....what mess i am doing....i thought to myself he want you to come close to you...and i am just doing the same...rather i should be opposite...that same nite he told he generally end up making out with ppl like me...and i asked who start and he said..i never start....that time i was relieved...you know why..he still dnt know... i never start..i am never an initiator unless he is my bf...and i never told him..to keep him in delusion that i will start someday....coz he waited for me too....but for a change...i thought if he never an initiator...but he attempted twice with me...how that is even possible...but thanks to him... i was safe... coz if never initiate , than no such situation shall come...and never i will be in a situation where i will fall weak in my knees, and again the next day...we were to supppose to meet ..but neither i was in situation..nor my family were on good note on this....coz first time i was drunk and first time dad gave me those eyes that this girl has lost it...and can't be trusted...and first lie i was with him...and why i was with him...
that evening i realised.. that i am creating mess that i shouldn't .. i should not fall for someone...i should not allow him to come close to me...and i should keep my distance as much as possible...i knew i liked him...but i didn't want more..and didn't want this to be true of whatever i was seeing....coz i am afraid... i am not afraid been heartbroken...i am afraid of letting someone in...and you what he has the same fear....
So the time started, where i again started pushing him to rekindle his love... where i started saying to him that the girl who left has a reason to leave...but she likes you...but his heart afraid....and their he expected me to help in marketing, but before he could suggest or say...i was rude to him...not because i couldn't help...but because he doesn't know if i do... i will fall for him...where i am trying to walk out... i can't walk in.. i know he was hurt... but i had too..so that he disconnect....so that he never get hurt from me in future...but he doesn't know i hurt them for them to keep safe from me...but he found his friend who was reconnecting....she supported her throughout and i could see her how much she liked him...it was there in her eyes when i saw her...and i understood why she left him behind....
that day was the launch of his venture....and that day i decided.... to be deleted from his life....coz i could see two love stories exist with hopes and desire from him....after that, whenever he tried to reconnect with me... i was cold him...not because my heart wanted that...because i had to push him......he wanted to ensure we still speak every single day... and i was rude to tell him..dnt make a habit of calling me....call me if you want or miss me....
there onward i started pushing him and hurting him ,so that he get close to someone else...and disconnect with me
and with time...a day came when he asked for my help...a guy who never call me for help did now...and i wondered...why...but i took the whole event lightly...he ddn ever bothered to tell me her gf is back...i was hurt not because i saw her gf...i was hurt because i knew her gf is here...despite that he asked me to come...he could have atleast asked me to come after she left...but nonetheless... he never explained the reason...nor he had the spine to introduce to me...but what he did was wrong....her gf wanted to see the ppl he has made friends ..strange...that time i was in the most ocward situation...not because it was a group of strangers again...but what i saw...i couldnt participate that...i was angry on him ....and on her...for her child...that day i again asked him what talk..and he said personal..and that just did the job for me to disconnect with him.....i felt i did wrong in sharing my blog with a guy who can't be even honest or transparent to his friends...and all of sudden he ask about my father and how my relationship with my husband... and i wondered what's wrong with him... five minutes back he said personal...and he want to know my personal....and why he care how my husband be...
thats day on... i avoid calling him for no reason...that day on...i stopped bothering him... that day on ...i disconnected....
i avoided meeting him...and sharing my day to day chores...but he kept calling....and unfortunately i gave him that space in my heart that i couldn't say no.... every time from that day onwards i wanted to say to him to disconnect with me....but couldn't say to him...coz i fell weak on my knees....i wanted this to naturally fade away....but every week twice he would call...and sometimes when i was emotional i called him without him knowing my real intentions...
Finally after all this i decided to say to him....and one night i met him to say this...but i couldn't.. i just thought i shall ...and drop him off home...and i shall say....but he wanted to go for drink...i still dnt know why he even tried to stop something which he can't maintain...and majorly i ddn understand why he wanted to start that drink with me...when i have left drinking...i dont know but i dnt believe i shall kiss him like 20 times... that impossible..concious or unconcous...i never saw him like that...
and again i pushed him to go out the night with his friends and leave this thought of me...and he finally got closure and i started separating out....
once he told me i am possessive .... yes i am a person...who believes in owning another person heart...and vice versa...i am a person...who is so free that let the other person ask you why arn't you possessive about me...coz i know if he is my man... he is not going anywhere...he be with anyone... i shall always be inside him..and i do trust him blindly...
how can i be so sure to be this person...coz i was this person...and i am like this....
So he finally said he was jealous of me meeting another person...and i wondered why is he being transparent of this feeling when he can't be transparent about himself....i clarified i am not...it was not the first time I saw... i saw this before when i was close to someone else too...and he had no reason to share that he has disconnect with his gf... and i was shocked...i wondered whats going in him... he loves her..and still dnt marry her...whats wrong with him... he is being liked few more girls and he literally say no to me on my face that nothing happening...why...did he even bothered to share all this on first place....i said i shall speak him in person...and let it off...but what he is tring here...
I was in complete delima... coz he is getting involved with people... then he decides to not be involved with people...no wonder ladies heart are broken...i dnt know, whenever i say to him you just breaking ladies heart... his immediate response is not guilt or remorse but he reacts saying they also break my heart...and i get scared internally... that if ever i fall for him... i know he will later on feel its a mistake ...i stopped feeling to share then and there... and before i fell for him i took another step saying to him that i shall keep distance... coz i have already heard a lot for him from my family... and i dnt want any imbalance in my life in my family for a person who is just a friend and i dnt even know wheather he is guy of commitement or not...
I again finally attempted to say this...so i finally again met him after work...and tried telling him that i will keep distance with him...and i still don't know why i used the term connection...and that night i thought its over...and i was happy i could let go without negativity or drama...but his late night message...when i read in morning...melted me...that day i realised i was too late ....i actually started liking him... that day i cried all day..and i couldn't stop...and my heart made me realise that i liked him...i have given him that place... and i was in shit load trouble...coz this time i was not disconnecting with a friend or guy whom i hangout with...i was diconnecting a guy whom i litterally liked from my heart... and there the battle of heart and mind started....and explained myself..disconnect ..disconnect and my heart melt whenever he called and forget all the mantra that my mind said to me...within two days somthing happend and reminded me... that life is short... and if i like someone i should live my present... one was an incident that my car broke down in middle of nowhere and the first person i thought of was him.,....and i said to myslf dnt be fool, dnt be a fool... keep distance....but eventually i said to him... and he said why i havent called him ....if i told him the truth that you were the first person i thought i dnt know what would have gone next.... so i lied ... i said what was right for me to say.... though my heart was looking for him to help and protect... but my mind this tym overruled me...i just said repeatedly two ladies love him...dnt be in a path which you chose to disconnect...despite that my heart eventually overruled my mind when i told him that i am kept distance for my family reason....and next day i was reminded again that there is no tomorrow....after attending the funeral...the person i thought was him...and situation was created that despite my mind saying don't ...my heart called him up....and their another chapter started... since i could not meet... he started meeting me in my office space... every single week...first i thought i can take this ... despite the odd he is a good friend... and i just wanna keep that...but then i realized he started hugging me every time...which felt good earlier...but now...its breaks the hardshell....every single week i was amazed at myself.. Miaka your biggest fool...i don't know how long i can go with this....
One day i was extremely disturbed... despite me not meeting him in night i met him after months...and told him i wanna drink... yeah sometimes he can read me right... and yes i was disturbed...
i told myself...drink ...loosen up...and go home.... her friend calling in the night and he being true to her makes me realize that he is closer to her...and i thought at least he is being honest and true with someone...anyways,my push facto mentality started again...and i again tried pushing him to her...though he said that if that incident dont happen he would have for sure...and i said why can't he let go that incident. and i dnt know how the conversation routed towards us.. and before he could confess.... i told him i know u like me... i like you too...but i am not made for time pass...and he says this time i am looking for something solid..and i was why is he saying this... i know that night he got melted for a while ..but he close to someone and why he is indicating something else...i know what i said should not have said ... i gave him another armor ...damnnnn...he closing statement when he left was...i cry too... i more emotional...and all..and for sometime i did forget everything... i forgot i was in trouble... i forgot he is with someone... i forgot someone is missing her....i forgot that i am not the closest friend ...
my push factor never left...and eventually despite the odd... i kept my distance...and thought this is safe ... he meet me a day in a week...similarly he would hang out with her in the night...and day...and that is the repo to keep...coz she is closer to him...and i was happy for her and him...that he would eventually realise... but he still lies
and one last nite...when i was made realized how close they are actually...first time i was jealous...and it reminded me...i might not be able to act long...i can't complicate my life again....
and when she was not around his frequency increased to meet me..and i wondered why....coz he miss her so much that he is looking for distraction with me...or he met me because he like too ... it did felt good..but every time i reminded myself...someone else love him...and i should keep distance..coz i know what i saw when i met her...
and finally the birthday trip arrived...and i stayed in a place where he stayed with his gf....and i was melted that a guy loved her so much... if someone loved me like this...i am all gone...but it just made me realise more that she is missing him...and he actually never did breakup with her....and here their one more girl who loves her.... he is messing it up... and i was messing up too..when i last met him and saw his pictures...i was made realise.. i am on threshold of falling for him....and with time i also realised that i have successfully disconnected... and its right time to ask him to disconnect...before i mess up my life or his.... its HIGH TIME to PUSH AWAY for his own good!! so i broke my heart again finally....
Strange... i know soon... i shall again push someone away...without any reason or justification given to him...
he has not been knowing that i have been thinking this for months... but every time he messages or call... he just melt me... every time i say to myself... control yourself... you will get hurt...and every time i forget when i see him...
but finally this emotional fool girl has finally decided, the best way to undo what has been done ...is to ask him to undo... its not that i have not hinted him earlier...but as i realised with time... i can't act anymore ....i want him to disconnect with me before i cross my threshold...
Funny.. i found a guy who is looking for someone who is like me...and i found him exactly like a guy i wanna be with...but the strange part is... i don't believe in coming close to anyone when i see he has better people around...
Before he confessed i could easily see all the signs... earlier i thought he is just a friend...he has so many better options...girls falling for him...and it never affected me.... but now i realised that it has started affecting me...and before i hurt him or myself anymore...i started separating....
yes, it's not the first time i tried to disconnect... i always kept my distance not because i want too.. but that how i am... i cannot fight for someone who is being loved by so many..and why should i even try they are better, prettier in every aspect...and thats my nature... never i did earlier and neither now... and i know i am difficult coz guys like someone who fight for him... and i am person who is silent ...it took 2 years for X to make me believe that he is not going anywhere with anyone...trust me... the amount i pushed him to try with someone else has no comparision of what i am tring with this guy....
but my X was stubborn and he just sticks around to make me finally fail in my attempt and give my heart to him...
i know its not same with him... but day one he has been showing signs that matched with my past...and every time i tried to ignore but never knew he would silently grow on me....
before he went to his trekking he was just a guy whom i met, with whom i like to hangout...after he came back i thought he would get busy with someone else...but that time he was transparent with me...and that what i like about ppl who are transparent with me....so many time has have asked him to unite with your girlfriend or friend who likes you... but he said no to my face....
sometimes he did show interest in me and i kept reminding...keep distance ...he should not like me...
hence one night i actually told him...don't end up liking me... and he lied on my face...saying i will not...that start the journey of lies started from him...to me...and i let go..coz i thought i somehow communicated to him that dnt show interest in me...
But i knew, he had doubt about that i meant what i said or just because i was high...and he double checked with me once..and i assured him i meant what i said...
and i knew he was silently hurt...but i didn't say anything and make him look like i dnt realize what he thinks
when his girlfriend came back... i thought they will reunite...sometime closeness changes... so i decided to not to disturb him when she was around...and I never called...and the day she left ...he felt that loneliness and we had drinks..and he share his stories...and i was..he is so sweet...so emotional...so kind...but he has a threshold.... he never look back to ppl who has left him when he said not too... and i tried explaining..but than i realise i should not speak anything which is his personal life...coz i believe more i speak about him more i give him the access to speak about me...so yeah...i don't want that to happend...but first time i felt he is so sweet...and i guess i started liking him....so yeah i kissed him... anyways i knew he liked it...and he kinda wanted more but...i know where to draw the line...coz he forget i am traditional...and he thought i was high thats y...so he dropped me off..and he asked his cousin to pickup...dumbo as ever....so that he could build good impression infront of my family that he belongs from well-settled background...and next morning i felt..what i did...i ddn regret..but i thought is he liking this coz he is lonely as she aint here or he really geuinely like me
but next day he came again to meet me...and i was scared coz two consecutive day...and their my dad became suspicious about us...coz i never did this before...so i asked him to come inside and meet my dad ...and as soon as i open door.. we both noticed that we are wearing same color top...and i thought OMG...if we go out like this, we would look like a couple.......why the hell he wore the same color ....and my dad noticed it too..and so did he...so not to make him realise that i realise that we are wearing ,i did not reacted..but i wanted to change my top...but than if i would, he would know that i have noticed what he thought...so we went out...were he started his journey of starting his own venture...i know he litterally looked at me so many times...and he wanted to say ...but i acted that i am not noticing....i had too...i could not dare him to like me more than he already did....we checkout two different food joint...and to make this whole feeling normal... best i said you should come to this place with whom you wana date and all.. but i knew his mind spoke differently...and i read so clearly....that i acted dumb but indirectly he also said that we both are wearing same color top...and i acted that i ddn realise this before....i thought thats it...now he would drop me off...and i also knew he wanted me to stay more...and dnt know what went in my mind...i ddn say i can't ....but when i realised we are going bit ditance ..than i realised today i am dead... i be officially tagged in my family that he is the guy i like and he is my bf...and till date whenever we tend to meet..this impression of my dad stickson...
I couldn't back off of what i said...so yeah i tagged along with him for his shopping...he met his friends their...and i was why is he taking me again to a space where i should not be...so i was not in a position to say no..coz he ddn knew that i dnt feel comfortable in group...i feel out of place....but i felt he wanted to make a communication to someone through his friend that he is with someone...and i asked him...about his past ...to understand that what i felt is true or just some theory...so i made him realise that my father is waiting...and it getting late...so yeah as soon as he dropped me...he told me...go before he changes his mind...so yeah that time i realised that i trigged something which i should not have....he actually liked me...and he actually wanted more with a meaning for a change...
No wonder, it clicked me...why he kept asking me...that i would not change the way i am for anyone, would you...
but then I realized that he is in love with someone else... he should be with the person he loves... or the person who likes her.....but he was indifferent zone...and i started pushing him to pick one...
and as his days were coming closure of launch of his venture... that time i decided to not meet him unless he asks me too...so yeah...i tried not call...i tried to not to meet...so that he start feeling disconnected..and i shared my one blog to make him realise...that dnt judge ppl...dnt judge love on this basis....but as i was afraid he might be smart enough then he will have access to my whole story....
and it came true.... he actually read my whole story...and i was afraid coz he actually liked me...and he than came to my place...and introduced me to his uncle...again my ocward situation...so yeah....again he shared somthing which shocked me...sayin he was thinking of inviting me to his family event and i was why on earth you want to me attend your family event...but the way he said to his uncle was to know him and analyse if this is right...i was actually scared...of what is going in his mind... i am tring to disconnect...and he is tring just the opposite...
that night i was in two different directions...and the night i had my first hangover...and literally not remember a part of that night where i was being reminded that i actually kissed him so many times...and i was shocked...what the F....what mess i am doing....i thought to myself he want you to come close to you...and i am just doing the same...rather i should be opposite...that same nite he told he generally end up making out with ppl like me...and i asked who start and he said..i never start....that time i was relieved...you know why..he still dnt know... i never start..i am never an initiator unless he is my bf...and i never told him..to keep him in delusion that i will start someday....coz he waited for me too....but for a change...i thought if he never an initiator...but he attempted twice with me...how that is even possible...but thanks to him... i was safe... coz if never initiate , than no such situation shall come...and never i will be in a situation where i will fall weak in my knees, and again the next day...we were to supppose to meet ..but neither i was in situation..nor my family were on good note on this....coz first time i was drunk and first time dad gave me those eyes that this girl has lost it...and can't be trusted...and first lie i was with him...and why i was with him...
that evening i realised.. that i am creating mess that i shouldn't .. i should not fall for someone...i should not allow him to come close to me...and i should keep my distance as much as possible...i knew i liked him...but i didn't want more..and didn't want this to be true of whatever i was seeing....coz i am afraid... i am not afraid been heartbroken...i am afraid of letting someone in...and you what he has the same fear....
So the time started, where i again started pushing him to rekindle his love... where i started saying to him that the girl who left has a reason to leave...but she likes you...but his heart afraid....and their he expected me to help in marketing, but before he could suggest or say...i was rude to him...not because i couldn't help...but because he doesn't know if i do... i will fall for him...where i am trying to walk out... i can't walk in.. i know he was hurt... but i had too..so that he disconnect....so that he never get hurt from me in future...but he doesn't know i hurt them for them to keep safe from me...but he found his friend who was reconnecting....she supported her throughout and i could see her how much she liked him...it was there in her eyes when i saw her...and i understood why she left him behind....
that day was the launch of his venture....and that day i decided.... to be deleted from his life....coz i could see two love stories exist with hopes and desire from him....after that, whenever he tried to reconnect with me... i was cold him...not because my heart wanted that...because i had to push him......he wanted to ensure we still speak every single day... and i was rude to tell him..dnt make a habit of calling me....call me if you want or miss me....
there onward i started pushing him and hurting him ,so that he get close to someone else...and disconnect with me
and with time...a day came when he asked for my help...a guy who never call me for help did now...and i wondered...why...but i took the whole event lightly...he ddn ever bothered to tell me her gf is back...i was hurt not because i saw her gf...i was hurt because i knew her gf is here...despite that he asked me to come...he could have atleast asked me to come after she left...but nonetheless... he never explained the reason...nor he had the spine to introduce to me...but what he did was wrong....her gf wanted to see the ppl he has made friends ..strange...that time i was in the most ocward situation...not because it was a group of strangers again...but what i saw...i couldnt participate that...i was angry on him ....and on her...for her child...that day i again asked him what talk..and he said personal..and that just did the job for me to disconnect with him.....i felt i did wrong in sharing my blog with a guy who can't be even honest or transparent to his friends...and all of sudden he ask about my father and how my relationship with my husband... and i wondered what's wrong with him... five minutes back he said personal...and he want to know my personal....and why he care how my husband be...
thats day on... i avoid calling him for no reason...that day on...i stopped bothering him... that day on ...i disconnected....
i avoided meeting him...and sharing my day to day chores...but he kept calling....and unfortunately i gave him that space in my heart that i couldn't say no.... every time from that day onwards i wanted to say to him to disconnect with me....but couldn't say to him...coz i fell weak on my knees....i wanted this to naturally fade away....but every week twice he would call...and sometimes when i was emotional i called him without him knowing my real intentions...
Finally after all this i decided to say to him....and one night i met him to say this...but i couldn't.. i just thought i shall ...and drop him off home...and i shall say....but he wanted to go for drink...i still dnt know why he even tried to stop something which he can't maintain...and majorly i ddn understand why he wanted to start that drink with me...when i have left drinking...i dont know but i dnt believe i shall kiss him like 20 times... that impossible..concious or unconcous...i never saw him like that...
and again i pushed him to go out the night with his friends and leave this thought of me...and he finally got closure and i started separating out....
once he told me i am possessive .... yes i am a person...who believes in owning another person heart...and vice versa...i am a person...who is so free that let the other person ask you why arn't you possessive about me...coz i know if he is my man... he is not going anywhere...he be with anyone... i shall always be inside him..and i do trust him blindly...
how can i be so sure to be this person...coz i was this person...and i am like this....
So he finally said he was jealous of me meeting another person...and i wondered why is he being transparent of this feeling when he can't be transparent about himself....i clarified i am not...it was not the first time I saw... i saw this before when i was close to someone else too...and he had no reason to share that he has disconnect with his gf... and i was shocked...i wondered whats going in him... he loves her..and still dnt marry her...whats wrong with him... he is being liked few more girls and he literally say no to me on my face that nothing happening...why...did he even bothered to share all this on first place....i said i shall speak him in person...and let it off...but what he is tring here...
I was in complete delima... coz he is getting involved with people... then he decides to not be involved with people...no wonder ladies heart are broken...i dnt know, whenever i say to him you just breaking ladies heart... his immediate response is not guilt or remorse but he reacts saying they also break my heart...and i get scared internally... that if ever i fall for him... i know he will later on feel its a mistake ...i stopped feeling to share then and there... and before i fell for him i took another step saying to him that i shall keep distance... coz i have already heard a lot for him from my family... and i dnt want any imbalance in my life in my family for a person who is just a friend and i dnt even know wheather he is guy of commitement or not...
I again finally attempted to say this...so i finally again met him after work...and tried telling him that i will keep distance with him...and i still don't know why i used the term connection...and that night i thought its over...and i was happy i could let go without negativity or drama...but his late night message...when i read in morning...melted me...that day i realised i was too late ....i actually started liking him... that day i cried all day..and i couldn't stop...and my heart made me realise that i liked him...i have given him that place... and i was in shit load trouble...coz this time i was not disconnecting with a friend or guy whom i hangout with...i was diconnecting a guy whom i litterally liked from my heart... and there the battle of heart and mind started....and explained myself..disconnect ..disconnect and my heart melt whenever he called and forget all the mantra that my mind said to me...within two days somthing happend and reminded me... that life is short... and if i like someone i should live my present... one was an incident that my car broke down in middle of nowhere and the first person i thought of was him.,....and i said to myslf dnt be fool, dnt be a fool... keep distance....but eventually i said to him... and he said why i havent called him ....if i told him the truth that you were the first person i thought i dnt know what would have gone next.... so i lied ... i said what was right for me to say.... though my heart was looking for him to help and protect... but my mind this tym overruled me...i just said repeatedly two ladies love him...dnt be in a path which you chose to disconnect...despite that my heart eventually overruled my mind when i told him that i am kept distance for my family reason....and next day i was reminded again that there is no tomorrow....after attending the funeral...the person i thought was him...and situation was created that despite my mind saying don't ...my heart called him up....and their another chapter started... since i could not meet... he started meeting me in my office space... every single week...first i thought i can take this ... despite the odd he is a good friend... and i just wanna keep that...but then i realized he started hugging me every time...which felt good earlier...but now...its breaks the hardshell....every single week i was amazed at myself.. Miaka your biggest fool...i don't know how long i can go with this....
One day i was extremely disturbed... despite me not meeting him in night i met him after months...and told him i wanna drink... yeah sometimes he can read me right... and yes i was disturbed...
i told myself...drink ...loosen up...and go home.... her friend calling in the night and he being true to her makes me realize that he is closer to her...and i thought at least he is being honest and true with someone...anyways,my push facto mentality started again...and i again tried pushing him to her...though he said that if that incident dont happen he would have for sure...and i said why can't he let go that incident. and i dnt know how the conversation routed towards us.. and before he could confess.... i told him i know u like me... i like you too...but i am not made for time pass...and he says this time i am looking for something solid..and i was why is he saying this... i know that night he got melted for a while ..but he close to someone and why he is indicating something else...i know what i said should not have said ... i gave him another armor ...damnnnn...he closing statement when he left was...i cry too... i more emotional...and all..and for sometime i did forget everything... i forgot i was in trouble... i forgot he is with someone... i forgot someone is missing her....i forgot that i am not the closest friend ...
my push factor never left...and eventually despite the odd... i kept my distance...and thought this is safe ... he meet me a day in a week...similarly he would hang out with her in the night...and day...and that is the repo to keep...coz she is closer to him...and i was happy for her and him...that he would eventually realise... but he still lies
and one last nite...when i was made realized how close they are actually...first time i was jealous...and it reminded me...i might not be able to act long...i can't complicate my life again....
and when she was not around his frequency increased to meet me..and i wondered why....coz he miss her so much that he is looking for distraction with me...or he met me because he like too ... it did felt good..but every time i reminded myself...someone else love him...and i should keep distance..coz i know what i saw when i met her...
and finally the birthday trip arrived...and i stayed in a place where he stayed with his gf....and i was melted that a guy loved her so much... if someone loved me like this...i am all gone...but it just made me realise more that she is missing him...and he actually never did breakup with her....and here their one more girl who loves her.... he is messing it up... and i was messing up too..when i last met him and saw his pictures...i was made realise.. i am on threshold of falling for him....and with time i also realised that i have successfully disconnected... and its right time to ask him to disconnect...before i mess up my life or his.... its HIGH TIME to PUSH AWAY for his own good!! so i broke my heart again finally....
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