Collateral Beauty!
Today has been an emotional day for me... not just because i am an emotional person...but what i saw... and what it reminded me of...
i guess... after really long time... i am again struggling to be strong... i know it's getting difficult every single day to walk this path all myself.... but before i share my today.. i walk through a glimpse about this week...
There are things i have not been saying to people and i know i don't want them to think... that i am weak...or emotional fool ....or stupid...
but i do get hurt... i do feel lonely... i do feel sometimes someone hug me and be mine....i do feel to give up all for what i chose...
So here it goes, after all, i started writing to say what i want...with all my heart open...
FIRST: i seriously don't know what career is to me... for other its their passion... its their love for work... its their dream.... but i just sat... do i really love my job?... ans is NO!... why i started it in first place... i just didn't want to be at home and other work... i jus didn't want to be an obligation to my family....
so ans is i started what i got ....the reason i joined my first job...was because of location ... not because of work.... mmm... i started working so that my family shall feel proud that i have started working and earning and contributing to family.... thats it....the job i did...was not i love..and is still not.... but i know whatever work i do... i do with full dedication for only one reason.... its allows me to support my family financially... it allowed me to not be called a burden on my family.... it allowed me to not be responsiblity of someone else .......so like any other kid in family , as their parents expect she do more ... do her higher studies and earn more...i left my work... and tried preparing for my higher studies....
then why did I came back to the same line of career?
Funny... after a year of prep and giving all kind of exam... and staying with family. i was made realize of two things... people value people who go forward...people don't like to be attached who can bring them down... people keep away from negative mentality...
and with time... i joined back again to support my family financially... that span of time... made me realise people don't like who are left behind...unspokenly.... not been asked for... that time i took the first responsibility ....to support my family what may come financially.. despite how frustrated.. tired... hated ... outcasted i felt sometimes... but i tried to make myself accepted in the world where i don't fit in... an introvert ... a shy person ... who was silent all her life in a public place is a marketing professional today....and still working only and only for one reason...never be dependent... burden...in my family...and support my family financially without them ever feel the scarcity of money... which means nothing to me in my own world... yes, i don't love my work... i work for my family...
With due course i learned what i love to work... i love to keep everyone together as much as i can...sometime i fail... sometimes i fall... sometime i hurt... but my love is to see my family smile... and never be ashamed of me or because of me in front of anyone...
Strange for strangers i am a selfish person... but for my family... i am the guard ... i am the fighter.. i am the protector... i am the supporter... and i am selfless. for them...and that's my job i love...
despite how much i have hurt my family too for my actions...knowing and unknowingly...its my job to be there...and i love my job... i know i am not perfect... but it's my job... and with time i am learning to be better.... or worse... still can't figure out... coz i have hurt my family too...
So coming back to this past week... i was more scared than ever... coz i still haven't been able to achieve what i am aiming for ..as time flying my company is also not in good shape to continue forward....nor i am professionally... my family knows i am looking... but they don't have a clue how bad situation i am in....
you know what i miss... someone whom i speak to my heart out... without judgment... someone who hug me...for hours...not gives sympathy or empathy... but make me feel secure... to turn down my turmoil.....
in my workplace.. all my teammates are married... or have closest ppl whom they can latch on... and i look at myself... i say to myself.. your alone... your always be alone.....
and i keep reminding me again and again and again.....i recall my past life... i imagine my mom or him holding.. and i say to myself.. you chose this life... sort it out... you chose to be alone...pull yourself together... for your family...that's why i never discussed my professional issue at home...
Well, now i realize that i was supposed to tell another story... and till now wrote only the 1st story....i guess this will be a really long one then... out for 2nd then...
SECOND: past one year or more... i have been using dating app... met many strangers... some stayed and some left... i shall not be elaborating of all the ppl i met... but i shall only speak of the last...
i haven't told him yet... he is the only guy whom i have met through dating app... whom i really call a friend and still who manages to meet me every single week...if he or i are not traveling obviously...
So yeah.. i know he has some questions in his mind which are unanswered....coz he never asked and i never said....he thinks i have guys following up in my life on and off...but he keep forgetting for the person i am... i push ppl away...nobody sticks around for long...
the irony is... i too have pushed him away multiple times... sometimes he just not realizes.....his ignorance is bliss or not i don't know...so yeah...as said before i am glad... he was around when my family was not here with me... yeah i am glad... he doesn't say no to me except once..and yeah i do keep distance...coz i know he is surrounded by ladies who like him or want him to be their part of life... so yeah few meeting i realise that as he keep personal personal...so i too chose to not share ...
earlier i thought i know he is the way he is with everyone... and so is with me....and that i kept reminding that's his nature...and i don't know when i started liking him.... but i realized past when i decided and told him that i shall keep my distance .. strange that nite i told him we have a connection...why on earth did i said that...why the term i used connection...but next day morning his message melted my heart " my hugs will always be there". and all day i was crying... he has no clue how emotional i am...duffer doesn't know i am a bigger emotional fool than he is ...so yeah this emotional fool.. started liking a guy.. who is like the same with everyone...but like always... i kept reminding and reminding and reminding... he has ladies in his life... he is not your type nor your his....and you want nothing more than friendship...thats all....and i accepted ... that yes i like my friend... when i get upset i look at him as option...and i keep reminding... be alone ..be alone... don't get habituated of anyone... nor him or anyone...coz one day everyone will walk in different path ....
But with time...he unknowingly started melting me...its not that we have not hugged before... but he choosing to make this habit whenever i meet...felt good in begining... but later i realised... that this habit would be very heavy for me later... i never asked him why he is making this a habit... but i do want ask him once...i do want to say to him for longest time... please don't hug me... he knows it my weakness and i have told him too... but he just don't realise that hug makes me weak, makes me real thats why its my weakness....i dont know what hug means to him ....as i never asked... but i dnt think he ever thought too much on this...and thats why i want to tell him to please do not make this my habit...
its was already very difficult till now to walk alone...where i was so-so habituated to holding someone hand forever....in my past.... it was very difficult to make myself habituated to walk without someone beside you... to walk knowing their is no on you can latch on too...there is no one to protect you and worry about you.....
i just wanted to say i know your not gonna be staying with me for long... coz i know me and i know him... that's y before he does more damage to me .....i just want to not to hug him because i know its not forever...
he has no clue .. how many times i said to myself that this is it.. this is last time... you shall ignore him...you shall not talk to him....coz he not saying but i knew that he does get involved with others...and thats how he shall always be... and he doesn't care for you more than a friend...and i am glad.... but i do know his also forget to draw line somtimes with me... which i have to keep reminding... thats the way he is....
i shall not blame to the girls whose heart he has broken.... coz his ideology is different... unfortunately... he forget that same mindset is not for everyone...hence ppl who don't know you will think of you that you like that person more than a friend... and sometimes i guess i did too... but thanks to his nature and my observation.... kept giving me a reality check.....
i still remember once... i just escape an accident and one of his friends met accident... that day he showed to me... that i am just a mere friend... thankfully...second he hiding truth from me... made me more disconnected with him with time... he has lied to my face so many time... for him he hide the truth despite me knowing...but that just did the work for me...coz a person who said you still don't know me coz he hide his personal thoughts...
i sometime pity him... he thinks me sharing the story...and me being transparent and he could read me 80% -100%... yeah i was fool to think that i was his close friend too...but with time he made me realise i am not....and actually i never made him realise... i know more about him than he thinks he does...i actually can read him so easily...that he has no idea on that... that's why i feel he stopped sharing his stories and being true to me...and no complain... he never promised to me to be true. nor I did...and i take ppl with their words and with their action too...
So yeah... i tried to keep distance with him....and now he is helping me with that...
So i guess i don't need to tell him to stop hugging me... coz soon i feel.... this would naturally stop...
i just wish that dumbo...realise that life doesn't wait for anyone...and what is he showered with today is being envied by many.... ask me... i know what loneliness actually means...
Hope his charming life never shows him this phase and soon he realizes that people who hurt you can also later love you, don't ever judge a person who left you alone.... but judge a person with their action who came back to you! Hope he finds his ways! God bless!
More stories too come soon....
i guess... after really long time... i am again struggling to be strong... i know it's getting difficult every single day to walk this path all myself.... but before i share my today.. i walk through a glimpse about this week...
There are things i have not been saying to people and i know i don't want them to think... that i am weak...or emotional fool ....or stupid...
but i do get hurt... i do feel lonely... i do feel sometimes someone hug me and be mine....i do feel to give up all for what i chose...
So here it goes, after all, i started writing to say what i want...with all my heart open...
FIRST: i seriously don't know what career is to me... for other its their passion... its their love for work... its their dream.... but i just sat... do i really love my job?... ans is NO!... why i started it in first place... i just didn't want to be at home and other work... i jus didn't want to be an obligation to my family....
so ans is i started what i got ....the reason i joined my first job...was because of location ... not because of work.... mmm... i started working so that my family shall feel proud that i have started working and earning and contributing to family.... thats it....the job i did...was not i love..and is still not.... but i know whatever work i do... i do with full dedication for only one reason.... its allows me to support my family financially... it allowed me to not be called a burden on my family.... it allowed me to not be responsiblity of someone else .......so like any other kid in family , as their parents expect she do more ... do her higher studies and earn more...i left my work... and tried preparing for my higher studies....
then why did I came back to the same line of career?
Funny... after a year of prep and giving all kind of exam... and staying with family. i was made realize of two things... people value people who go forward...people don't like to be attached who can bring them down... people keep away from negative mentality...
and with time... i joined back again to support my family financially... that span of time... made me realise people don't like who are left behind...unspokenly.... not been asked for... that time i took the first responsibility ....to support my family what may come financially.. despite how frustrated.. tired... hated ... outcasted i felt sometimes... but i tried to make myself accepted in the world where i don't fit in... an introvert ... a shy person ... who was silent all her life in a public place is a marketing professional today....and still working only and only for one reason...never be dependent... burden...in my family...and support my family financially without them ever feel the scarcity of money... which means nothing to me in my own world... yes, i don't love my work... i work for my family...
With due course i learned what i love to work... i love to keep everyone together as much as i can...sometime i fail... sometimes i fall... sometime i hurt... but my love is to see my family smile... and never be ashamed of me or because of me in front of anyone...
Strange for strangers i am a selfish person... but for my family... i am the guard ... i am the fighter.. i am the protector... i am the supporter... and i am selfless. for them...and that's my job i love...
despite how much i have hurt my family too for my actions...knowing and unknowingly...its my job to be there...and i love my job... i know i am not perfect... but it's my job... and with time i am learning to be better.... or worse... still can't figure out... coz i have hurt my family too...
So coming back to this past week... i was more scared than ever... coz i still haven't been able to achieve what i am aiming for ..as time flying my company is also not in good shape to continue forward....nor i am professionally... my family knows i am looking... but they don't have a clue how bad situation i am in....
you know what i miss... someone whom i speak to my heart out... without judgment... someone who hug me...for hours...not gives sympathy or empathy... but make me feel secure... to turn down my turmoil.....
in my workplace.. all my teammates are married... or have closest ppl whom they can latch on... and i look at myself... i say to myself.. your alone... your always be alone.....
and i keep reminding me again and again and again.....i recall my past life... i imagine my mom or him holding.. and i say to myself.. you chose this life... sort it out... you chose to be alone...pull yourself together... for your family...that's why i never discussed my professional issue at home...
Well, now i realize that i was supposed to tell another story... and till now wrote only the 1st story....i guess this will be a really long one then... out for 2nd then...
SECOND: past one year or more... i have been using dating app... met many strangers... some stayed and some left... i shall not be elaborating of all the ppl i met... but i shall only speak of the last...
i haven't told him yet... he is the only guy whom i have met through dating app... whom i really call a friend and still who manages to meet me every single week...if he or i are not traveling obviously...
So yeah.. i know he has some questions in his mind which are unanswered....coz he never asked and i never said....he thinks i have guys following up in my life on and off...but he keep forgetting for the person i am... i push ppl away...nobody sticks around for long...
the irony is... i too have pushed him away multiple times... sometimes he just not realizes.....his ignorance is bliss or not i don't know...so yeah...as said before i am glad... he was around when my family was not here with me... yeah i am glad... he doesn't say no to me except once..and yeah i do keep distance...coz i know he is surrounded by ladies who like him or want him to be their part of life... so yeah few meeting i realise that as he keep personal personal...so i too chose to not share ...
earlier i thought i know he is the way he is with everyone... and so is with me....and that i kept reminding that's his nature...and i don't know when i started liking him.... but i realized past when i decided and told him that i shall keep my distance .. strange that nite i told him we have a connection...why on earth did i said that...why the term i used connection...but next day morning his message melted my heart " my hugs will always be there". and all day i was crying... he has no clue how emotional i am...duffer doesn't know i am a bigger emotional fool than he is ...so yeah this emotional fool.. started liking a guy.. who is like the same with everyone...but like always... i kept reminding and reminding and reminding... he has ladies in his life... he is not your type nor your his....and you want nothing more than friendship...thats all....and i accepted ... that yes i like my friend... when i get upset i look at him as option...and i keep reminding... be alone ..be alone... don't get habituated of anyone... nor him or anyone...coz one day everyone will walk in different path ....
But with time...he unknowingly started melting me...its not that we have not hugged before... but he choosing to make this habit whenever i meet...felt good in begining... but later i realised... that this habit would be very heavy for me later... i never asked him why he is making this a habit... but i do want ask him once...i do want to say to him for longest time... please don't hug me... he knows it my weakness and i have told him too... but he just don't realise that hug makes me weak, makes me real thats why its my weakness....i dont know what hug means to him ....as i never asked... but i dnt think he ever thought too much on this...and thats why i want to tell him to please do not make this my habit...
its was already very difficult till now to walk alone...where i was so-so habituated to holding someone hand forever....in my past.... it was very difficult to make myself habituated to walk without someone beside you... to walk knowing their is no on you can latch on too...there is no one to protect you and worry about you.....
i just wanted to say i know your not gonna be staying with me for long... coz i know me and i know him... that's y before he does more damage to me .....i just want to not to hug him because i know its not forever...
he has no clue .. how many times i said to myself that this is it.. this is last time... you shall ignore him...you shall not talk to him....coz he not saying but i knew that he does get involved with others...and thats how he shall always be... and he doesn't care for you more than a friend...and i am glad.... but i do know his also forget to draw line somtimes with me... which i have to keep reminding... thats the way he is....
i shall not blame to the girls whose heart he has broken.... coz his ideology is different... unfortunately... he forget that same mindset is not for everyone...hence ppl who don't know you will think of you that you like that person more than a friend... and sometimes i guess i did too... but thanks to his nature and my observation.... kept giving me a reality check.....
i still remember once... i just escape an accident and one of his friends met accident... that day he showed to me... that i am just a mere friend... thankfully...second he hiding truth from me... made me more disconnected with him with time... he has lied to my face so many time... for him he hide the truth despite me knowing...but that just did the work for me...coz a person who said you still don't know me coz he hide his personal thoughts...
i sometime pity him... he thinks me sharing the story...and me being transparent and he could read me 80% -100%... yeah i was fool to think that i was his close friend too...but with time he made me realise i am not....and actually i never made him realise... i know more about him than he thinks he does...i actually can read him so easily...that he has no idea on that... that's why i feel he stopped sharing his stories and being true to me...and no complain... he never promised to me to be true. nor I did...and i take ppl with their words and with their action too...
So yeah... i tried to keep distance with him....and now he is helping me with that...
So i guess i don't need to tell him to stop hugging me... coz soon i feel.... this would naturally stop...
i just wish that dumbo...realise that life doesn't wait for anyone...and what is he showered with today is being envied by many.... ask me... i know what loneliness actually means...
Hope his charming life never shows him this phase and soon he realizes that people who hurt you can also later love you, don't ever judge a person who left you alone.... but judge a person with their action who came back to you! Hope he finds his ways! God bless!
More stories too come soon....
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