I call Myself ..A Peaceful Warrior

After really long time i back writing on this blog....now the year about of end... and the year where i actually changed myself and experienced something that changed my views for other and myself.... I always thought i be miss people in my life ...but never thought i shall relive the pain i went through all over again... 2018.. interesting year...and finally i ended up being where i suppose to be....ALONE!! The year started being angry on Vicky.. and i literally wanted to cut my ties with him than.. and now i literally cut my ties with him...i guess...i achieved my resolution Never ever planned but i did what i do best... push people and hurt people so hard... that they dont ever see me through... Now i am sitting on the window and writing my experience.. where an hour before i was watching a movie Jalebi and it just kept me realizing that i am still the biggest emotional fool person ever... i pushed him so hard and he responded exactly my X did... Selfish Miaka... if i w...

Finally this chapter of closure.... "Milji Ma" (Korean) Saying bye to my friends, best friends, and this city.... For long i wanted to move out... and now i am leaving everything behind... no old places to remember the old memories... After continuously crying and missing everyone... i know it happened for a reason... why i felt i will leave... why now i believe i don't have much time... to stay long with people i love... i already disconnect with most in past months... and today i said bye to my closest friend...who was my best friend... i know i am not his...but after really long time someone was my best friend... 2 months ago i already told him to disconnect ...3 months ago i started to disconnect so that he realises..but i guess people who are imp only they remember ...i am glad he has forgotten...its easy for me....now i dnt have any reason to stay nor he ever gave me any reasons to stay..... but i will always be thankful to him to be my calmer....my best f...

Well! yes I am back again with another story...these days i am 24x7 in my home...and to keep myself busy... time has made me realized that i have so much to look at which i haven't for all these years... Sometimes i wondered how someone can be in one place all their lives..never visited another city.. new neighbor and they spend all their lives in one house in which they were born and from where they passed away... i couldn't understand maybe because i never had that life... my definition of the home has always been where all 4 of us are together... let it be a house or hotel room or hospital or any place in this world... that's home... Now i  am struggling to walk again...i generally go to a park nearby... and spend few hours... The weather ... the wind... remind my happy days back to me... remind me of mom... i see her every day through my soul..... yeah... i still cry alone... but i am glad i remember her all the time... in my most painful days... she is the ...

Well! this headline has been inspired by a music that is like my back to back repeats that I keep listening in the loop. This music inspires me... if you read this blog than to do listen to Rain by Simply Three While I am writing this story... it been a month now of my surgery and my wounds are still raw.... But like every battle that has been thrown to me... despite requesting time to give me peace... i am gifted with the last resort that i wish never to look upon... i feel.. that the last thing i look for i am gifted first... like this surgery the pain , being helpless, being a vegetable... and every single day i restart my day with learning to walk, learning to sit... learning to be normal... 32 years passed by and i felt i am again learning to walk...sit.. speak.. but the difference is i am learning them with the pain gifted to me.... every time i was thankful or rather the right word is hopefull may be i can have friends , people around to love me whom i love them... may b...

Yes! the heading of this story is inspired by none other the famous novel and movie which was made on the love story... of an infinite number of 0s and 1s can also not define the amount of love one person shall exist with one another... Yes! i am always moved in my fantasy world when i see love story let it in real or reel life... but that's how i am and i know that how i shall always be... Yes! i am emotional fool by heart... but my mind keep a very strong check on me..to see where i am stumbling into... i have broken my own heart god know how many times...and sometimes for its good...somtimes mind do also make mistake...but that time my heart explain me only one thing...someone who want to stay with you despite all the odd shall stay and someone who don't for ur or his mistake they shall not.... This year i have my heart placed into two places...and twice i took a risk to not to give away...rather let time tell...what it holds for me this time.. One guy , "the ...

Well!!! yes, if you read my previous post, you read it right, I did go under surgery and its been 17 days now of my struggle to walk again alone... to be alone... these past weeks made me a lot to of time to think.... being dependent ...being bedridden... killing my time in pain...and god knows what... and now when i am writing about it... i am still clueless wat should this post be about... everytime i have written about a post... i have something going in my mind very strongly... and now... i am thinking 17x24 hours + 2 weeks or pre-surgery pain...don't know what my story shall be... should i write about my endless struggle... should i write about being alone and no one to miss me or hold my hand ....or should i write how my minor surgery turned to major and suffered the complication for all these days...or should i write about the pain and struggle of fighting each day against my own body...emotion...thoughts..... should i write about the experience i went through whic...

First time... in my life... i am scared.... in few days i will have my first surgery experience.... Though this is very regular surgery... but i don't know i am scared...... I feel so lonely... so helpless...not a single one around to calm me down.... i miss my mom the most.... Past months since dad have come back home... i have started saying... who knows before you my number might come... and when i first told i was so afraid to say it....as if i say it would come true ... But lately... either me being scared and alone but the fear of losing myself is here.... I chose "Wednesday" d day of my surgery.... and i am scared...i know that day is the day of whatever happen shall happen for good... Lately, i told someone about the letter i wrote to my X....which shall go to him once i die... Lately, i have been made realized that there is no one who cares for u more than themselves... Lately, i feel so alone and scared.... I cant even say this to my family..... ...

When people use this word so casually, they don't know how it can impact the person they are saying this too... Someone said to me too...a friend ..a close friend... when said it... it hurts more...coz they just don't realize how hurtful these words can sound to the person from the person they are attached too... It just reflects the immaturity of a person...who actually fail to learn the difference between Depression and Solitude I feel sorry for the people who are actually are at that stage... coz normal people can never imagine the agony they are in...they mere is looking for acceptance...from one or from all... And it just makes me feel... get out of that place now!!!! Coz he has no idea... how many times he has made me cry...and no surprise he shall always misunderstand me...no surprise he shall forget me..coz he has done that before... Its just make me feel, I am best being alone... coz no one will ever hurt you or you shall ever do to anyone!!! I miss you, mo...

Looking back to old pictures and videos... remind me how much love has been showered to me.... Pure ..Serene... Unconditional love...that i couldn't handle.. N now people think i judge them or claim to know them too well... seriously... the person who can't handle her own life ..who is hardcoded that happiness can't stay with her... will ever judge or know anyone else... i just feel sorry for myself, that no one now can ever know me... or now I don't believe i shall ever meet someone who can now know me...those people who did already left me long ago...and i am too afraid to let anyone in... But i am just glad to see my people finding their happiness... i wish they always be happy and never find sadness anywhere Its time for me to start again my solitude journey!!!

Every time i hurt others i hurt myself more.... but nothing beats the pain given to me from my own loved ones... Simple words of not trusting your own child... who has been killing herself every moment with a smile on face... i have been struggling to keep up my smile.. and i am so unfortunate that i need to request my own people to please understand... people who have been there around me all my life... i have to literally put words and beg them to please understand and allow me to give my space to compose myself.... and what remarks come in return.. i just want to enjoy my life..and lie without worrying about them... i just can't take it any more mom.... am i that bad... that i am alone and no one i can hug too and cry on too... No clue they have, on how many times i have cried in dark.... No clue they have how many times i have fallen sick and never let them knew... I am a really tired mom... i just can't take this anymore on my own... i...

Ever heard of holding on too.... i am sure many did...and many have held on to someone or something in their life... and i am just a person... who can't hold on to anyone... rather i hope someone will hold on for me... don't know when...don't know if i ever will find someone now in my life for that hope.... when i see a sweet couple ... whose love is blooming... i just know what i miss... when i see someone eyes..wanting the attention of the other person... i know what that person is looking for... when i see someone blushing...for a compliment given by their crush or their person... i know what pure feeling it can be... strange...i never asked anyone ...to stay! not my X.. not my friends or people who came by in my life.... NEVER told them to stay with me...coz i don't believe in asking someone...i still don't believe in a relationship with asking or saying... i still believe if person care for you or love you purely...without any condition... that person ...

What hurts more... when people misunderstand your love as selfish affection or when your life keeps repeatedly saying and telling about death... Keeping my strong face on is the hardest... People say you leave abruptly... what should I say... i leave because if i stay they will know i am weak... and i know nobody like weak... been there...seen that... A quote.. only your pillow knows how much you have cried when someone has hurt you... Everyone things.. i am strong .. i am selfish .. i am rude...everyone including my family can only see my hardshell... i am so weak inside that smallest slightest word can hurt me to core... the only difference is ... i have become a good actor... in faking... But i am struggling to keep myself together... everytime people who are close to my heart...has been killing me...and honestly, i really don't want to bear this pain anymore... i know i am not allowed to give up... but i am tired of being me....tired to take my family, fr...

A couple of months has been hard... let be emotional, financial or any other thing ... but i don't have any choice but to find my way out of this... some are lucky and some aren't... sometimes i feel sorry for the people who can't keep what they have... and sometimes i feel sorry for me that i couldn't find anyone whom i can count on.... My friends ...my people are in good place in their life....i am happy for them.... but at this point, i am sad for myself... coz some treat me being a fool... and i feel sorry that they can be that stupid... but nonetheless... a friend of mine told me once...when you find someone who will always keep u happy...be with him... don't be with someone who can make u feel weak... rather be with someone who can make u feel strong....and i shall take this mantra as i am moving forward. Past months.. i have met so many old and new people and still can't rely on anyone... So am back to my solitude, which i am comfortable and hap...

its not new to feel the emptiness... its not new to feel blank... but sometimes ...sometimes for some second... you miss not being empty.... well! i am currently in the most confused mindset...and tried ending and again ending the same thing... and i guess... as long as i am not hugging him... i am returning back to the hard self-version... With time i have been continuously hurting him... but its better that he never counter question me.. either he least bothered or some other reason... i am just glad... that the reverse is finally happening... finally i am changing myself again being emotionless... i understood one thing... if someone keeps soothing your weakness...you tend to get attached to them... i presume that what happened with me... the more i tried to disconnect ... that hug brought me back to feel human and normal... you know strange part of this year... all old people whom i disconnected... they connected back...and people who mattered to me... never bothered to mi...

well! yes, the new year came.. and i am all upset not because how i started this year...but why i let anyone come close to me....why i allowed someone to grow on me... with time i learned to be alone...and i need to learn again to be alone... which is so easy to be... never let anyone come close to you ...never hurt anyone...never be affected by anyone.... its was weird last year... i thought maybe i can give myself a second chance in life... but how i can forget the curse gifted to me...i can never be good for anyone..and never let anyone come close to me...and finally achieved in what i intended to do... i am getting pro in this.... i am just glad whomever i met in life... they have finally found their best friends...and i wish them best of love, life and happiness they deserve.... i have no regret that i hurt people who were coming close to me...though i know in the process i hurt them and knowing that i hurt myself more... ....... and the chapter end..... in the en...

Never imagined i had to always choose to break my heart and end something .... But the truth is always hard... he cleared his line ...and i had to walk out else i shall keep hurting myself... i never wanted anything but friendship... and he kept on lieing and finally when things started affecting me ..his lies did too... i accepted the way he was...but the reality was he never counted me to be his friends..and that unfortunate to learn....and he clarified on his b'day very well..by again lieing to me on my face and showing me the door..and that just did the job... so it was time for me to walk out from someone who hurt me so badly and he doesn't even know...seriously i thought i am the only selfish person... but there are people around me who is more... anyhow he never understood me... strange part last time he hurt..and i couldn't sleep from that moment on... so today i said to him... i am done with him... the moment i said that... my restless heart was calm...