October brings Kiss and Cry!!!
Well! yes I am back again with another story...these days i am 24x7 in my home...and to keep myself busy... time has made me realized that i have so much to look at which i haven't for all these years...
Sometimes i wondered how someone can be in one place all their lives..never visited another city.. new neighbor and they spend all their lives in one house in which they were born and from where they passed away... i couldn't understand maybe because i never had that life...
my definition of the home has always been where all 4 of us are together... let it be a house or hotel room or hospital or any place in this world... that's home...
Now i am struggling to walk again...i generally go to a park nearby... and spend few hours...
The weather ... the wind... remind my happy days back to me... remind me of mom... i see her every day through my soul..... yeah... i still cry alone... but i am glad i remember her all the time...
in my most painful days... she is the only reason who can calm me down and she is the only reason who can bring that pain back in me... in this whole surgery... i was angry on her... why she made me experience which i never wanted too... i never wanted to go through the painful process again. especially where am most afraid of...
And eventually, she made me realize, i shall always have moments to experience which i said to myself i never want to face them.... after this... my fear of this pain is gone... i am back to 2016 March... were i stopped being afraid of losing someone who is my life...
she always keeps me in check till date... she gave me a reminder to remember her all the time with the tattoo she gave me...
But you know what mom! you gave me memory which is difficult for me to forget...
this time was a realization for my father... that I too exist... he somehow came out of his world and was reminded i too exist..
All day and night ... i looked for someone to hold my hand and put me to sleep with this pain... and i am glad for my father and brother to always be my reason to live... they love me... they love my imperfection and perfection.
I know i had the experience of someone else did too loved me for who i am... and i am glad i got that experience that people who are not blood-related to you can love you unconditionally...
There are two movies i watched recently, which i shall recommend to watch... Kiss and Cry (Canadian) & October (Indian) ... both movies inspired me... that i am ok.. to overthink and overcare for someone... yeah i know its not ok in practical world to care for someone who don't care back the same way for you.. but you know i never expected anything back from anyone... yeah i only expect from my dad to trust and treat and judge me on the ground of me...
This period also reminded me... that i am fool to care for someone who doesn't see beyond his own ego.. but still i dnt expect...or maybe i started expecting..but i did get hurt.... but i got hurt because i cared and trusted him and his words..... so i am disconnected with people..but you know this time i dont have fear of losing people.. or guilt of my behaviour.. i am just glad i went through experience to realise that i trusted people who shouldnt be trusted so much... and he did proved me wrong... i thought may be he is more than what he shows..atleast that what showed me through his hug.... but he was right its my mistake to see that... he always told he didn't care.. or dnt get affected if someone leave or stay... and i am glad i am forgotten... but i still hope...he finds his way...
he doesn't know he is the only person after years i allowed anyone to see me after my family...
I guess that's why he keeps popping up in my blog...after my family and X .. like any other... he is part of my history... who did made me experience a lot of things unknowingly....
I know he didn't do on purpose...but i be thankful for the memory and moment he gave me....i guess thats how i always keep my history... keep reminding the good ones and forget the bad ones.... but its also true to never go back who don't want and need you in their life....
i know i loved him but he is just a child who is afraid.......anyways...i know he lucky to find his love..
Kiss and Cry reminded me that yes there is the pain in this world ... but people who see you in your worst phase who always end up smiling for them...
you don't smile coz you're happy..your happy for the people you love and when they smile for you..you smile back... Carley reminded me of my mom and us...despite of pain she was in... she smiled every day with that pain...but what i was more inspired of her bf... he inspired me more than ever... he reminded me...of me... and same in October... actor role reminded me of me...
Funny...every blog i write ... I reexperience the whole story and end up crying...
I know i think differently... I should not be so emotional...so much in love...but what i am living for... money fame recognition... or existence of being remembered by my loved ones... that's all!!!!
Treat Funerals like Triumph!!!
Sometimes i wondered how someone can be in one place all their lives..never visited another city.. new neighbor and they spend all their lives in one house in which they were born and from where they passed away... i couldn't understand maybe because i never had that life...
my definition of the home has always been where all 4 of us are together... let it be a house or hotel room or hospital or any place in this world... that's home...
Now i am struggling to walk again...i generally go to a park nearby... and spend few hours...
The weather ... the wind... remind my happy days back to me... remind me of mom... i see her every day through my soul..... yeah... i still cry alone... but i am glad i remember her all the time...
in my most painful days... she is the only reason who can calm me down and she is the only reason who can bring that pain back in me... in this whole surgery... i was angry on her... why she made me experience which i never wanted too... i never wanted to go through the painful process again. especially where am most afraid of...
And eventually, she made me realize, i shall always have moments to experience which i said to myself i never want to face them.... after this... my fear of this pain is gone... i am back to 2016 March... were i stopped being afraid of losing someone who is my life...
she always keeps me in check till date... she gave me a reminder to remember her all the time with the tattoo she gave me...
But you know what mom! you gave me memory which is difficult for me to forget...
this time was a realization for my father... that I too exist... he somehow came out of his world and was reminded i too exist..
All day and night ... i looked for someone to hold my hand and put me to sleep with this pain... and i am glad for my father and brother to always be my reason to live... they love me... they love my imperfection and perfection.
I know i had the experience of someone else did too loved me for who i am... and i am glad i got that experience that people who are not blood-related to you can love you unconditionally...
There are two movies i watched recently, which i shall recommend to watch... Kiss and Cry (Canadian) & October (Indian) ... both movies inspired me... that i am ok.. to overthink and overcare for someone... yeah i know its not ok in practical world to care for someone who don't care back the same way for you.. but you know i never expected anything back from anyone... yeah i only expect from my dad to trust and treat and judge me on the ground of me...
This period also reminded me... that i am fool to care for someone who doesn't see beyond his own ego.. but still i dnt expect...or maybe i started expecting..but i did get hurt.... but i got hurt because i cared and trusted him and his words..... so i am disconnected with people..but you know this time i dont have fear of losing people.. or guilt of my behaviour.. i am just glad i went through experience to realise that i trusted people who shouldnt be trusted so much... and he did proved me wrong... i thought may be he is more than what he shows..atleast that what showed me through his hug.... but he was right its my mistake to see that... he always told he didn't care.. or dnt get affected if someone leave or stay... and i am glad i am forgotten... but i still hope...he finds his way...
he doesn't know he is the only person after years i allowed anyone to see me after my family...
I guess that's why he keeps popping up in my blog...after my family and X .. like any other... he is part of my history... who did made me experience a lot of things unknowingly....
I know he didn't do on purpose...but i be thankful for the memory and moment he gave me....i guess thats how i always keep my history... keep reminding the good ones and forget the bad ones.... but its also true to never go back who don't want and need you in their life....
i know i loved him but he is just a child who is afraid.......anyways...i know he lucky to find his love..
Kiss and Cry reminded me that yes there is the pain in this world ... but people who see you in your worst phase who always end up smiling for them...
you don't smile coz you're happy..your happy for the people you love and when they smile for you..you smile back... Carley reminded me of my mom and us...despite of pain she was in... she smiled every day with that pain...but what i was more inspired of her bf... he inspired me more than ever... he reminded me...of me... and same in October... actor role reminded me of me...
Funny...every blog i write ... I reexperience the whole story and end up crying...
I know i think differently... I should not be so emotional...so much in love...but what i am living for... money fame recognition... or existence of being remembered by my loved ones... that's all!!!!
Treat Funerals like Triumph!!!
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