M Scared !!!! Not able to See my future

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First time... in my life... i am scared....
in few days i will have my first surgery experience....
Though this is very regular surgery... but i don't know i am scared......

I feel so lonely... so helpless...not a single one around to calm me down.... i miss my mom the most....
Past months since dad have come back home... i have started saying... who knows before you my number might come... and when i first told i was so afraid to say it....as if i say it would come true ...

But lately... either me being scared and alone but the fear of losing myself is here....
I chose "Wednesday" d day of my surgery.... and i am scared...i know that day is the day of whatever happen shall happen for good...

Lately, i told someone about the letter i wrote to my X....which shall go to him once i die...
Lately, i have been made realized that there is no one who cares for u more than themselves...
Lately, i feel so alone and scared....
I cant even say this to my family.....

that i am bearing similar experience of pain that my mom has... and dad fear the pattern of this...
i am not scared to die... but i am just scared that i havent have made someone fall in love with me so deeply...as my X was...

I am still fighting to find my reasons!!!!

I am too tired mom....ML always!

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