Jalebi
After really long time i back writing on this blog....now the year about of end... and the year where i actually changed myself and experienced something that changed my views for other and myself....
I always thought i be miss people in my life ...but never thought i shall relive the pain i went through all over again...
2018.. interesting year...and finally i ended up being where i suppose to be....ALONE!!
The year started being angry on Vicky.. and i literally wanted to cut my ties with him than.. and now i literally cut my ties with him...i guess...i achieved my resolution
Never ever planned but i did what i do best... push people and hurt people so hard... that they dont ever see me through...
Now i am sitting on the window and writing my experience.. where an hour before i was watching a movie Jalebi and it just kept me realizing that i am still the biggest emotional fool person ever... i pushed him so hard and he responded exactly my X did...
Selfish Miaka... if i was so selfish... why i hurt myself so hard that no one can hear me...
Well! i guess i am actually selfish who still believe that i am best being alone... that everyone has someone better in their life.. and that the reality .. they all have someone who love them unconditionally... and for whom they can miles to be with them...
Lucky me... i will never feel this anymore for myself... never feel the hug...never feel loved!
I knew what i said ..and i knew i became a mess for myself...coz i fall in love with him.. i never thought i would never do that...but i cant come near him... i had to push him... i no good
What a year....
1st Jan i was so angry on him that i literally ddn ever wanted to speak to him... i guess i did realized than i was nobody for him and i knew i made him unknowingly part of myself...
5 Jan i met someone unknown to make my feeling go out... but i ended up running off from that place and hugging him... that night i realized i am already reached my gone state...
13 Jan i met him at his shop...and i realized i need to get this feeling out..coz this is one sided and i dnt mind..but i had to remove this feeling...if i don't i know i will never let anyone in my life ever....
it took me 8 years and one tragedy to get over my past love... i knew i wont live another if i had take this through again...
So i started meeting other people.. but i always always reminded up not to ended with him... but my heart never let me...i always found myself in front him...
13 Feb , i thought i need to speak it out and let go...and i did... i was so relieved that i cant tell...
14 Feb felt free from emotional burden... but that night again things changed when i came to know what all happen... but i knew his answer just day before that what he said....so i just kept myself believing whatever happen was only because of drinks that all...
I wanted to drink that night coz i was heart broken...but irony was drunk with someone who ddn even know that he broke my heart...
i lived coz i knew it was one sided...and at-least i was a friend for him..which i always wanted to be with my X.. but yes i needed to keep my distance with him so that i never show him what i felt...i tried to suppress my stupid feeling and focus on being friends....
With time whenever he threw a news about his love life... i kept my friendship face on and with time i knew i had to live with what i was hearing...infact he ddn knew that whatever he was revealing i already knew..i already absorbed those facts long back and i guess that made me keep up with my fake smile...coz i just needed to live with this.. i literally wished one day he will say i am in love with this or that person...and will marry her...
5-6 Feb we went on trip... i ddn want to go alone coz i knew what i felt..so i pushed my sis to join them..as they will keep me sane...they too knew what i felt for him...
everybody who knew me knew that i was head over heels in love him....though i never said.. but they all saw me through....friends , family, colleague, stranger... . But he ... he never saw me through!
So in march i decided to learn to keep distance...but i knew i could not say no... so best.. i purposely started conversation with my old friend who used to like me...and i knew i have changed and so did he...THE PERFECT MARRIAGE MATERIAL GUY, i knew i lost that feeling for him... but i needed him as distraction and so did he...
I literally cant stop myself from cring...coz i know what i did and what i need to live with now... this is something i literally give up in believing anyone anymore... i literately i am soulless now!
But i am glad i can't hurt anyone nor anyone can hurt me ever again!
I always thought i be miss people in my life ...but never thought i shall relive the pain i went through all over again...
2018.. interesting year...and finally i ended up being where i suppose to be....ALONE!!
The year started being angry on Vicky.. and i literally wanted to cut my ties with him than.. and now i literally cut my ties with him...i guess...i achieved my resolution
Never ever planned but i did what i do best... push people and hurt people so hard... that they dont ever see me through...
Now i am sitting on the window and writing my experience.. where an hour before i was watching a movie Jalebi and it just kept me realizing that i am still the biggest emotional fool person ever... i pushed him so hard and he responded exactly my X did...
Selfish Miaka... if i was so selfish... why i hurt myself so hard that no one can hear me...
Well! i guess i am actually selfish who still believe that i am best being alone... that everyone has someone better in their life.. and that the reality .. they all have someone who love them unconditionally... and for whom they can miles to be with them...
Lucky me... i will never feel this anymore for myself... never feel the hug...never feel loved!
I knew what i said ..and i knew i became a mess for myself...coz i fall in love with him.. i never thought i would never do that...but i cant come near him... i had to push him... i no good
What a year....
1st Jan i was so angry on him that i literally ddn ever wanted to speak to him... i guess i did realized than i was nobody for him and i knew i made him unknowingly part of myself...
5 Jan i met someone unknown to make my feeling go out... but i ended up running off from that place and hugging him... that night i realized i am already reached my gone state...
13 Jan i met him at his shop...and i realized i need to get this feeling out..coz this is one sided and i dnt mind..but i had to remove this feeling...if i don't i know i will never let anyone in my life ever....
it took me 8 years and one tragedy to get over my past love... i knew i wont live another if i had take this through again...
So i started meeting other people.. but i always always reminded up not to ended with him... but my heart never let me...i always found myself in front him...
13 Feb , i thought i need to speak it out and let go...and i did... i was so relieved that i cant tell...
14 Feb felt free from emotional burden... but that night again things changed when i came to know what all happen... but i knew his answer just day before that what he said....so i just kept myself believing whatever happen was only because of drinks that all...
I wanted to drink that night coz i was heart broken...but irony was drunk with someone who ddn even know that he broke my heart...
i lived coz i knew it was one sided...and at-least i was a friend for him..which i always wanted to be with my X.. but yes i needed to keep my distance with him so that i never show him what i felt...i tried to suppress my stupid feeling and focus on being friends....
With time whenever he threw a news about his love life... i kept my friendship face on and with time i knew i had to live with what i was hearing...infact he ddn knew that whatever he was revealing i already knew..i already absorbed those facts long back and i guess that made me keep up with my fake smile...coz i just needed to live with this.. i literally wished one day he will say i am in love with this or that person...and will marry her...
5-6 Feb we went on trip... i ddn want to go alone coz i knew what i felt..so i pushed my sis to join them..as they will keep me sane...they too knew what i felt for him...
everybody who knew me knew that i was head over heels in love him....though i never said.. but they all saw me through....friends , family, colleague, stranger... . But he ... he never saw me through!
So in march i decided to learn to keep distance...but i knew i could not say no... so best.. i purposely started conversation with my old friend who used to like me...and i knew i have changed and so did he...THE PERFECT MARRIAGE MATERIAL GUY, i knew i lost that feeling for him... but i needed him as distraction and so did he...
I literally cant stop myself from cring...coz i know what i did and what i need to live with now... this is something i literally give up in believing anyone anymore... i literately i am soulless now!
But i am glad i can't hurt anyone nor anyone can hurt me ever again!
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