Struggle with myself

-
What hurts more... when people misunderstand your love as selfish affection or when your life keeps repeatedly saying and telling about death...

Keeping my strong face on is the hardest...
People say you leave abruptly... what should I say... i leave because if i stay they will know i am weak... and i know nobody like weak... been there...seen that...

A quote.. only your pillow knows how much you have cried when someone has hurt you...
Everyone things.. i am strong .. i am selfish .. i am rude...everyone including my family can only see my hardshell...

i am so weak inside that smallest slightest word can hurt me to core... the only difference is ... i have become a good actor... in faking...

But i am struggling to keep myself together... everytime people who are close to my heart...has been killing me...and honestly, i really don't want to bear this pain anymore...

i know i am not allowed to give up... but i am tired of being me....tired to take my family, friends and love ones happiness infront of my own...'

why i push ppl away... simple... i know i am not worth their tym...they all deserve better in  life... and i am damaged....who is like ticking bomb... who doesnt see her future ....

Mom i badly miss u!!!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Fallen in Love all over again!

-
it's been a while I have written anything... but he took me off my old stale life and let me imagine a life I never dared to see... yes! I am in love all over again.. but this time again I had to push not because he is not right... only because we aren't right... who said that you only can fall in love with someone right... he is right for me in every aspect but one thing only brought to this point was... I still didn't know him and fallen for him... this combination is very dangerous... I guess another reason can be ...since I don't know him... I don't know what I am for him... but looking at his mute response... I guess I was wrong to imagine that I can ever be of anyone's life importance... this year Jan 2019 we met... I just thought he was only being friendly... never imagined that I would end up being his girlfriend... never ever in my wildest dream, I ever thought he would be interested in me... never ever in my wildest dream I ever would ha...
Read more

Soon to turn 40!!!

-
Yeah, in couple of years I will turn to 40. I don't know if this would be just a phase of my life or my end. But I am scared to not be able to see myself growing old, being loved, be the one.... over the last 38 years... I have seen so many beautiful stories around me... which I longed.  I guess the scare is so deep that I will never be able to overcome it.... ppl who actually don't know they say, " your strong, independent woman, you are better of being on your own ". I don't know how I should reciprocate to this.... Real version of me is vulnerable, broken, scarred and desperate for my sunshine, for my everything!!! Once upon a time I dreamed of you, and I still do... I still pray for you. but never dared to come close to you. coz unlike other stories... he cursed me... he scarred me... he broke me and till date I am his worst mistake of his life... else ppl look back to their good memories. But he ran like a bullet... when your life tells you you're the wor...
Read more

First Picnic.....First Trip...

-
it was my first outdoor trip with no guardians... i was nervous and excited for my new phase of life... don't remember what i have dreamt those days... But those days he was my friend and i was more than a friend for him..... it was early morning..... and our group both guys and grls planned to go out to a near by hill station which sound adventurous.... The morning arrived, my first outdoor trip and only friends....excited and nervous both at the same time... We girls dressed up and walked out of the colg campus , where our guy friends were waiting for us with a cab that we booked earlier for the trip.... We thought that cab would be good idea to reach to that hill stations and we thought while returning we shall take a bus.... who ddn know what exactly was planned for us... well.. as said before they were waiting for us outside the colg campus...it was small variant car, and i really don't know how we 6 adjusted in that cab...still caring a vague picture in back ...
Read more