I call Myself ..A Peaceful Warrior

 With time, I have become sensitive to the word "Cancer". Whenever I see a movie or any story which speaks of someone's journey or someone loved ones suffering through Cancer... all the flashbacks come back. I know people say time heals everything, and I don't know how long it will take for me. Will I ever suffer less or will I ever be able to really smile again... It's been 7 years and I don't know what I am doing anymore and as time passing by I am further getting lost. I do know I did receive some answers of my past, which let me face the reality that " I will always be ALONE". I thought maybe .. just maybe I will have a chance to be loved like the story in the fairytales. I thought maybe I can give happiness to my loved ones but as I look at the dates passing by my eyes, I am becoming more unsure of myself than I was before... So it's true I was in love, but I was made to realize it was always one-sided. he never looked at me more than a mist...

There 1000 things I wanted to write There 1000 things I wanna share I just wanted to write my whole life story on this page but I know it's gonna be an endless one  So what I'm gonna talk about today let's say a story about me  I started with this blog because I didn't have anyone to share with there was a guy in my life whom I used to call my diary. So when he left I was devastated I didn't know whom I should speak about what I'm feeling what I'm going through I was lost and so I started this blog sharing every thought of mine, writing them down of how my memory lane had been so far. My years of experiences of my ups and downs, lost my mom, lost my love and eventually, I started losing myself. I met many people through this dating app. Some of them interested in me and somewhere not but there was none who was actually trying to understand me for why I'm so lost but then someone knocked into my life with very simple, funny, I called him flirtbaaz it'...

Today, i am actually feeling low... I feel super lonely and missing mom, hence i ended up watch a Youtube Channel called #SoulPancake this channel has multiple videos of kids and adults who has the ineviditble death dates coming, somthing we all have. But we forget in our daily chores that whatever pain suffering or happiness we are tring to achieve is all go away one day. When you die, the caste creed wealth everything materialised and idealistic goes out of the window and the only thing that actually matters are people you influence so strong in all the good ways that they keep you alive in their memory. its been 4 years that mom left me, but the void. Seeing her all the time in my dreams when you wake up that emptiness that grab you that i real i can never feel that hug.... Today while dreaming i learned somthing that everyone may be aware of, but i never understood it till now... That you dream for things you wish you had/have but that exactly the difference lies in. Thats why t...

I am from India ... I still don't intend to reveal my real identity ...but we are in lockdown... it's 28 March'20 where I am still in front of my window... a few minutes back I was crying my heart out... coz I keep pushing people whom I love... You would have previously read the post of My Last Letter, past that in these 3 months.. many things happened, but the outcome I shall summaries I am in love... I am in love with someone who will never choose me the way I chose him... my hand will always be empty coz I know now I will not hold anyone... my arms will be empty because I will never feel that hug... I have written a couple of stories about him... but I broke up with him... coz I guess I started complicating my life with my simple stupid feeling... I love you Vipin, you have no idea but I chose you over my X. yes, I had the opportunity to go back to someone whom I loved for a decade...but things were acting strange...when I was planning to meet him... I met V...

its end of 2019 and I have my timeclock started... I know it will be bizarre to say that this letter is my death letter... something that I wanted to say but never had the guts to speaks to whom I loved. So here it is a truth I can never dare to speak with my mouth..... I was in love with my 1st for the longest time... 2008-2019, I know a decade in love to someone...who ran like a bullet and regretted to have fallen in love for me... I am in love with Vipin, who thought I can be mature, but he never saw the real me till he said yes... that time I realized I am not right for him... nor physically or mentally. But he was only one left...a hope to pull me out ... when I saw him dredding the relationship he was in, I could have been selfish and let him be with me with my eyes closed... But as I was a fool before I am a fool now... I loved him..n I love him... knowing that he doesn't ... one night he was sweet with me as he gave me my 5 mins... he was happy with his friends...

it's been a while I have written anything... but he took me off my old stale life and let me imagine a life I never dared to see... yes! I am in love all over again.. but this time again I had to push not because he is not right... only because we aren't right... who said that you only can fall in love with someone right... he is right for me in every aspect but one thing only brought to this point was... I still didn't know him and fallen for him... this combination is very dangerous... I guess another reason can be ...since I don't know him... I don't know what I am for him... but looking at his mute response... I guess I was wrong to imagine that I can ever be of anyone's life importance... this year Jan 2019 we met... I just thought he was only being friendly... never imagined that I would end up being his girlfriend... never ever in my wildest dream, I ever thought he would be interested in me... never ever in my wildest dream I ever would ha...