Soon to turn 40!!!

Yeah, in couple of years I will turn to 40. I don't know if this would be just a phase of my life or my end.

But I am scared to not be able to see myself growing old, being loved, be the one....

over the last 38 years... I have seen so many beautiful stories around me... which I longed. 

I guess the scare is so deep that I will never be able to overcome it....

ppl who actually don't know they say, "your strong, independent woman, you are better of being on your own". I don't know how I should reciprocate to this....

Real version of me is vulnerable, broken, scarred and desperate for my sunshine, for my everything!!!

Once upon a time I dreamed of you, and I still do... I still pray for you. but never dared to come close to you. coz unlike other stories... he cursed me... he scarred me... he broke me and till date I am his worst mistake of his life... else ppl look back to their good memories. But he ran like a bullet...

when your life tells you you're the worst mistake of his life that moment a part of me died.

So, I wish him well with his perfect one! and I am glad he is very clear and vocal about it, that I did not get the chance to think otherwise.

But my desperation of love was never given up, despite no one looked at me for love. I met so many people, but all of them if was beyond the mere friendship but I guess they did not feel my worth to be respectful. People came and went. Some used me and then I used them just to make myself feel better. But my soul knew... they hurt me... and despite my attempt of hurting them back... it just hurt me more... so I let go of such people from my life... and I kept reminding myself... Your alone, you're better off alone. you will always be ALONE... and helped me to stop hurting myself more.

Now reaching to this stage of my life, I am flipping a coin on my life... I said to myself if I only have 1.5 months left, do I want to live my life like this, and the answer is No.

I wish to be loved, but more importantly to be someone's time.

I wish to be giver, but more importantly needed.

I wish to be partner in crime, but more importantly be his bestie's

I wish to be someone's NEVERLAND.

I guess I was only to be given a sampler of my dream. 

All my life ppl has so many dreams and mine was a stupid one " we be in love to the person I marry, someone who is my first and my last" 

I did get the feeling of what love is, got the sample of how marriage looks for someone. but I guess

This dream is only to be best kept dream for this lifetime, coz I don't see any Miracle to come my way anymore

So, this girl is now soon to be jobless, aimless, loveless and she has 1.5 years to live. and 38 years of heartwarming and heartbreaking memories...

Should I wish myself a good luck to live 1.5 years or fight through the odd of these times to change my destiny... I would choose the later.

I guess the only good thing I will take away, I was there for my family, and I have no regrets of my choices.

Let's see how this span out to be... a failure or a peaceful warrior...

Mom will wait for your answer!