Cancer

 With time, I have become sensitive to the word "Cancer".

Whenever I see a movie or any story which speaks of someone's journey or someone loved ones suffering through Cancer... all the flashbacks come back.

I know people say time heals everything, and I don't know how long it will take for me. Will I ever suffer less or will I ever be able to really smile again...

It's been 7 years and I don't know what I am doing anymore and as time passing by I am further getting lost.

I do know I did receive some answers of my past, which let me face the reality that " I will always be ALONE". I thought maybe .. just maybe I will have a chance to be loved like the story in the fairytales.

I thought maybe I can give happiness to my loved ones but as I look at the dates passing by my eyes, I am becoming more unsure of myself than I was before...

So it's true I was in love, but I was made to realize it was always one-sided. he never looked at me more than a mistake of his life twice and why I say is not because I assumed coz this time too he said the same words which he said during our breakup.

I just wanted to be someone's priority, someone who chooses me and not someone's merely physical attraction.

 I have now lost hope of someone will ever choose me and as I grow old I don't think it will be fair for me to keep this hope on. People deserve a happy family and I don't think I can offer any of it anymore coz I am not healthy physically or mentally.

If someone would have asked me what my dream is 10 years back and now... it is to be loved completely, that person chooses me as his life...I will be his priority and he is mine. But failing twice I learned I won't be able to be that person. A person looks for happiness in a relationship and honestly, I have nothing to offer him any more.

I don't come with a guarantee card anymore let it be hours of my time or happiness.

I give myself 5 more years coz I don't see myself crossing my 40s. I know if someone reads this he will say what a sad girl I am. But it is what it is. I still can't see my future anymore and yes I am scared like hell.

I was just watching an old movie, and casually I wished for a fairytale-like I used to do always. But now the difference is I don't hope to get one for myself. I just resonate I would be so lucky if someone would like me like that.

I celebrated my last bday in bed. every time I open my eyes I see her eyes with sadness. I spent my 2015 bday in a hospital where my mom was bedridden. it just turned 12 and she was not asleep. but when she wished me bday I could tell from her eyes, though she did not say this her eyes said this is the last time she will say this to me. and yes I was scared to acknowledge so I pampered her but I was scared like hell. I wanted to scream mom please don't leave me. I am very scared. I wanted to tell her 2 years I cried every single night, my dreams were less scary than reality, which was just the opposite before. But I couldn't say a word. I know she knows me too well. But I failed as a daughter to keep my family happy. There are millions of stories of my relationship with this word, for outside world people said you were brave. But in reality, I was not brave. I was so scared person and so much afraid to say this out loud to anyone.

Cancer is made of you and it breaks you. I don't know how much time I have left. But yes I am scared to be alone but despite the odd, this is my reality.