My Count down begin

its end of 2019 and I have my timeclock started...

I know it will be bizarre to say that this letter is my death letter... something that I wanted to say but never had the guts to speaks to whom I loved.

So here it is a truth I can never dare to speak with my mouth.....

I was in love with my 1st for the longest time... 2008-2019, I know a decade in love to someone...who ran like a bullet and regretted to have fallen in love for me...

I am in love with Vipin, who thought I can be mature, but he never saw the real me till he said yes...
that time I realized I am not right for him... nor physically or mentally. But he was only one left...a hope to pull me out ... when I saw him dredding the relationship he was in, I could have been selfish and let him be with me with my eyes closed...

But as I was a fool before I am a fool now... I loved him..n I love him... knowing that he doesn't ...
one night he was sweet with me as he gave me my 5 mins... he was happy with his friends around..and a little high...

I guess he doesn't remember but he said I love you... I just couldn't be happier than I was...but again I feared.. feared that I am not good... I won't be able to give him what he wants...how can I let me be with me.... he started avoiding me..n I knew ....its best to end even if it kills me...

a month later he asked me how I did... n I wanted to say to him... I loved you n still do... but again acted everything is normal and great without him...

I know I didn't have a long life... so here it is... if I can survive then I also know I am not living...

2019 the year I fell in love 4 times... and all of them rejected me...and are happy around people whom they love and care...

everybody says what you wish for is what you get...
I know I wished for to get out of this pain... and my countdown I will soon be out...

so if any of you read... I loved you truly and selflessly...but I knew I am not good enough for you...

Vipin thank you for making me move on... and thank you for making me realize I can move on...
Sorry, I was not worth your time...n now I don't have time...

I don't know if there is any place which can be peacefull... but I do know I can sense my mom...
she tried to push to live my day... but with every broken piece I have now...its harder to move ahead...
mom... you loved me unconditionally...unparallel to the people who loved for the second...

Dad... I am sorry but I couldn't fulfill your dream...after mom, you are the only reason for survival...but every time you spoke of death it is killed me more... n I won't be able to go through that pain.....

and I hope my brother will have a fulfilling life...that he missed because of me...
I am proud of you being my brother, who is simple but your the strongest I have known...

Mom, please let me be peaceful... I am tired to have the pain you went through... it's killing me more when I experience that you were scared and in pain but still kept the smiling face for me.


I cannot get that face of my mind when you wanted to cry but hold on so that I can be happy on my last bday with you... but that face terrifies me, that I could c your pain and fear...

If you exist, time... please make it quick!