I call Myself ..A Peaceful Warrior

Well! this is a story of my last attempt to connect with him back! Let me rewind this back few days from the day i attempted to meet him... It was this phase when my mom last wish for me was to get married! People might think , because its high time... i am growing old ... but the real reason my mother pushed so much for it, coz she know how difficult i am to let anyone in....and she worried that i shall never let anyone enter my life.... she just ddn want me to be alone ...coz the person i am.. how fragile i am from inside...... in a way , its true and her worry was true! and one more reason was, she ddn want to be on photo frame to witness my wedding! i feel really guilty that i couldn't fulfill my mother wish!!! how selfish person i am !!! If she would have asked me anything else i would have given everything... but my heart don't listen to me.... i can't let anybody else life ruined because of me....coz i know i would not have been 100% true to the person... ...

Strange human feel scared....so do i... but at some point i was scared to be happy and loose some imp people in my life... now i am scared for my lifeline.... Confused !! Good!! i am writing this story with completely confused scared mindset....for whatever situation i am in.... Life is simple!!! but my nature doesn't accept anything for simple... let it be my love life, my family life... my professional life... if its simple... than something is definitely missing... or let say i cant digest simple.... Today when i am writing about my past... i just feel ...why i complicated my life in so many different ways...and even i realize the fact i cant un-complicate them any more... What a confused complicated mindset i carry.... Every time i think its over... it never made it happen... and every time i wished for a miracle ...it never happens... When i literally thought and made my mind... something pulled me back... When i am moving forward ...i want someone to pull me ba...

So before i start sharing story life without him.... I am sharing how i reached here..... Well!!! Honestly i always had this feeling that "he deserve better" "out of my league guy... But i guess it was meant to be ... to be with him....but every time i came close to him... i started fearing of loosing him more... Nobody can define whose right or wrong.... its just the circumstances that brought us here..... A famous quote from a movie i follow dearly " “If you don't get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don't want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can't hold on to it forever.” So here it goes... you shall find in my previous post of my final year confession.... And that actually build an insecurity in me... A girl who feared only one dear thing now was acting like a typical jealous girl... i guess that phase was a combination of immaturity and insecurity... Even if he would con...

Months after i am writing back ... Don't know which story i shall tell... coz years passed by and years waited.... This is story of me living without him.... we were together for 6 years... and today we are apart for 6 years... i have undone all the things we did... and finally he said "Not the Present or The Future" I waited 6 years for him to say this back to me finally saying that Miaka your free from all your promises.. Finally without asking... without listening he indirectly said "You live or die... your free from me....". I am glad i am no more than a stranger in his life... where at this stage... where i stand.... i am just glad... that he doesn't love me or feel the need to know about me.... once and for all 6 years i never ever even once tried to win him back... never ever tried any ways to be in touch... but i always wished he at least would consider me his well wisher , his friend.... Truth... i know what i was putting myself into......

Well! Well!! Interesting topic to talk about today.... Were we friends?? Were we Best Friends?? Or More.... This question was questioned back to me so many times in my past life that i cant tell you how it feels...when i think of it today... Yes Yes... Who read previously... When he said his feeling... how this topic is even relevant ... well... its very much relevant in my life... coz i might be completely wrong for him in whatsoever matter... but he was friend than best friend and finally i accepted him to be love of my life... Can't express how i feel when i realized my confused personality so much confused in its early life... that i was gifted with the most beautiful thing in the world and yes this confused personality cant handle it well.. I cant express... today how much i miss him ... miss the un-wishful gift given ... So ... the turmoil of choosing a group of friends vs him... i still remember clearly... that i was coming toward the ccd where i was suppose...