Friends.... Best Friends .... Best-test Friends??? or Love???

Well! Well!! Interesting topic to talk about today....

Were we friends??
Were we Best Friends?? Or More....

This question was questioned back to me so many times in my past life that i cant tell you how it feels...when i think of it today...

Yes Yes... Who read previously...
When he said his feeling... how this topic is even relevant ... well... its very much relevant in my life... coz i might be completely wrong for him in whatsoever matter... but he was friend than best friend and finally i accepted him to be love of my life...

Can't express how i feel when i realized my confused personality so much confused in its early life... that i was gifted with the most beautiful thing in the world and yes this confused personality cant handle it well..

I cant express... today how much i miss him ... miss the un-wishful gift given ...

So ... the turmoil of choosing a group of friends vs him...

i still remember clearly... that i was coming toward the ccd where i was suppose to meet him and their one side i saw my group of friends and other side him....

i was so confused... i couldn't breath while making each steps towards them... i just couldn't breath...

The moment was in-front of me... which would define my next phase of life... choose between one him or them... i ddn want to make this choice ...never i wanted to end up in situation where i was bound to choose between the two... but the inevitable event has occurred from where i couldn't back off... i never wanted to make a choice but i had to .....at that given point of time...i was not in love with him... but humanitarian mindset of mine... just saw my group of friends vs a single person sitting alone...

and than just entering the area.. i walked towards him... not because i wanted too... only because i believed my friends have each other to take care... and i am just one person less part of that group... i choose him..coz he was standing alone...and that point of time i knew he needed a friend whom he can rely on ...

i had this guilt but my heart made this concious call ... that whatever has happen... if my life can bring a happiness in somebodies life and for that if i had to sacrifice my friends for it....i did it....

And my group of friends thought i prefer him over them coz i had feelings for him.... well! i never cleared their thoughts... never gave justification.... i just let them believed whatever they thought was against me...and i knew i purposely broke the promise which we 3 friends did few days back....

Well! the above incident later defined my boundaries and repercussion of my actions going forward...

With this step... i was bound to get closer to him, because now i only had a friend and that was him....
and situation just brought us closer with the turmoil of my life... and i started getting disturbed and that reflected in my performance....i started failing in my subjects....and he started performing back ...

this period was a clear indication that i was either going back home without completing my engineering and so did my parents believed in the same ... that i don't have the caliber to complete this course...

Period which brought friend to best friend relationship in my life... where i ddn have anybody to help me out... he just stayed their by my side and just stayed... and that just helped me....
i am poor in studies and but he is a brilliant student... i never understood the method of revision and vol-la... he was perfect with that!!!

Ppl started speaking about us in complete different manner... but for me i just wanted to be in focus with my studies...
 and yes, with the loss of someone closed to me for the first time in my life i felt that....for the 1st time when i felt the pain of loosing someone close to me ,whom you dearly and unconditionally loved... and next person i called was not my parents or brother for condolences but him.... it was our semester break and i was with my grandfather in his last days of journey...and those days i clearly remember.....

he was their with my every step...these steps brought me closer to him more and more of being my best-est friend... i know best-est is no word... but to express... the only person who entered to my life with all doors open... doors which my parents too didn't have access too... he gained that access...

Early morning we were told of his last breath....that event stays sharp in my mind....the night when my father arrived ...as soon as he reached . My grandfather was to be taken to ICU where very few ppl have access to go...and just before entering the ICU... my dad arrived...and grandfather gave the responsibility to my father saying in Hindi "mehmaan dekh lena"... that was the last of him i saw...in person... and last time i saw him through a TV monitor where nurse where taking care of him... and till his last breath he was trying to wear his glasses on his own...

Early morning we were being told he has made peace....and we all went to the hospital...were he was covered in white sheet from top to bottom... never in my life i ever imagined him being seen like this...and i was scared...not of fear...but only because of loosing someone you love...
First time i went through the pain of loosing the person you love in your life... who knew later i be habituated of this pain, that every breath i take has lost its meaning in time....

Well!...i do remember that day so clearly... that even if i want to forget i can't.....when he was brought back to our mama's home ... he was still... first time i saw someone in that form that i couldn't imagine...i saw my mom crying... and that pain doubled in my heart....i tried to hide my tears...but i couldn't coz every child of his was there and crying in front of him.. in front of the man who was the pillar of their house....

Today, i understand how life changes when a pillar of your family is lost on the way...
i told my mother , can i touch him.... am i allowed to touch him.... i clearly remember fond memory of my childhood... when i used to visit him.. he used to hug and kiss me.. saying... "ye side meethi kissi nai and dusri waali... ha yeh meethi kissi hai..".i adored him so much...his aura was superb.. the man who brought his whole family together... the whole locality loved my grandfather for his decision and attic-ate he carried.. he was man whom you can't ignore while you pass by...
and their he  was on the floor lifeless.... when i dared to touch him... he was cold... and suddenly i pulled off my hand away from him... i got so scared....

i went out and wanted to cry.. and i ddn wanted to cry in front of the family.. so went to the terrace and called him up... his mother picked up.. and i tried to keep my calm.. and greeted... and asked her if i could speak to him... and as he was on phone... i just burst out... first time i was crying out loud who was not blood related to me... i just shared how i was feeling... and he was calming me down!...

he ddn have to say a lot... he just was there ... made me feel... that he there for me... did all the work for me...i calmed down...and all the elderly people went to complete the rituals..

first time i saw what it meant to loose someone whom you love...and it completely changed me... it was one of the turning point of my life.... and i know it so clearly....

while i came back .. i saw my brother first company training center which was located near my city where i was studying...and that time i felt what family time is ...more than ever....and when i returned back to my colg... i missed my grandpa more....but every single day he was their with me... not asking how i felt... just reading me.. and saying stuff that i just wanted to hear... not consoling but cheering me up.. with his funny acts...

and this time i had the toughest time in my exams.. and i had back to back exams..due to so many pprs i failed... it was do or return back to pavilion... and every time i feared... he just sat with me all the time... all the time.. he just sat next to me.. it was not he helped me study... but he was just their with me...and that just did the rest for me....

everyday we either sat in library or in garden... just sat and studied.. he was studying his subjects and i was studying mine.. i can't believe he was their every single day...and i just let what the world was talking about us... he was just there and that was it for me.. that was more than enough i could ever imagine ever doing for me...

and came time of my exam... and i got tensed as i had back to back papers...and that was very tough.. but he justed planned everything to him.. and first time i followed him blindly...i just went with his time table prepared for me... and he would help me in my revision while he was preparing too for his papers...

my old friend came and thought we were goofing around .. how typical... and he said dont be distracted.. you need to focus to the subject and everyone will be shut once you pass in all your papers..

i still remember that one exam... where i just went with what he made me revised and all questions were around what i revised.. i couldn't believe i knew all the answers that was asked in the papers... and after every exam he would ask my performance.. before every exam he would wait for me in cafeteria so that he ensured that i had breakfast properly before we enter the examination hall.. and every evening we had dinner together... and just by seeing him just around me all the time...not trying to impress me.. but just being their supporting me... all the time.. listening to fear.. listening to my stories...and he sharing his stories...i don't know how he became my best friend...

i was so habituated of him that he would be their all the time...whenever we were out... and he never said.. he want to hangout with his friends.. but every single time.. he would just stay with me till my last hostel timing... he would company to my hostel entrance and than  he would go back and meet his friends and hangout with them....

no wonder.. he is the only one whom i let enter to be my lifeline after my family....

his family knew about me ... his extended family and cousin knew about me,. and my family too knew ...and don't know this friendship... turned to love...my true first love...

yes, i know i ddn reveal my love to him till i hit myself hard...but their has started our journey from just being mere friends to best friends and than he became my love.. my lifeline....

and the results came... i was so scarred... worrying whether i be going home and would i survive this semester...

i remember that day.. the result day... we were in our medical lab.. and everyone said the results are out!... i called him and he said.. yeah he too going to lab to check the results.. and he asked me to check the results there too.. but i was so scared.. so before i look mine .. i looked his.. and yes he was back in game.. he score good.. being top 5 rank in his department.. and he said i should check mine.. i was so scared... that he said don't worry i shall check yours!

i put up some courage and put in my roll number... and as the page was loading my heart was pounding so hard... as if i will faint... and when the page loaded... i was shocked.. i just couldn't believe.. i again typed my roll number and again the same result.. and i was shocked again...not just i passed i scored distinction....and the first person i called was not my family but him.. and by that time he knew my result.. and he was so damn happy.. for some odd reason i could see he was more happy for my result than his... and he than reminded me to speak to my parents.. and i remember i was walking down the stairs and rushing to meet him.. the very next call i made to my mom... and i said... mom result are out.... and before i could share the result.. she started giving me assurance..dnt worry , if you pass or fail... will  figure something out...

and i was shocked that my parents ddn believe that i had the caliber to compete the odds...but he did...and i told my mom.. mom i not just passed but i passed with distinction.. and could hear her voice changed.. as if she regained confidence in me...i was in question.. that my very own parents ddn believe but he did...and as i reached to cafeteria we straight went to market to celebrate... i was so damn happy... and you know what he just completed everything in me.. i realized.. i don't miss my mother , dad or my brother or anyone ... when he their with me... i dnt feel of being with someone else...

another instance where i mistakenly /unconsciously said " I Love You".. we were studying in garden, and he used to play some funny tricks on me... and i don't remember how it popped up... but it just came out of my mouth and i said it.. and very next moment i realized what i did.. and suddenly face turned pink...
and i could see ..that eyes looking at me.. with a surprise.. as if he longed to hear this..and he was smiling.. and next i said " i love you as a friend" and he said.. add karna zaruri tha kya... but i know i actually said to him "I Love You"...

he was a complete package for me... and after few more incidence.. i realized.. he is exactly the person i wanted.. i was completely free when i was with him.. and he too said when he saw me with my parents.. i was not the same.. he always said.. you are you when your with me.. you should stay with me...without me you can't be anyone else...

He always said.. no one can ever love you more than me... and he was so damn sure of it... that it still holds true!! till now.. i haven't met anyone who could take that place in my heart... the way he did....

With every day i  came to know more about him... i always learned something more about him...and i guess with every bits i started loving him... people.. say when you fall in love with someone you like something about that person.. maybe face.. maybe nature...maybe attitude or habit... but i loved everything about him... good or bad i just loved him to the core...

one point he was exhausted with stories.. and i still wanted to know more... and he said.. what ever happen in my life you know now.. and i dnt have any new stories.. and than i would make him repeat some of them....and he would not say no.. rather he would just say the story all over again....

we ddn felt the need of anyone else in our life...but i guess.. this love was so much.. that with time... i also got scared of it...

and my immaturity and loving him so much was too much to handle....
today i know.. when you love someone more than your life... how it can backfire you... some people say and some people do love their loved ones more than their life... and now i loved him more than my life...and that selfless behavior hit me hard...

he was perfect for me.. but i always felt i wasn't not perfect for him.. he was too good.. that i actually later i realized i was living my wish.. i couldn't value it...

You know from childhood everyone carries a dream.. that they would do this or become this in their life...money ..fame..etc...
You be surprised to know if i share you my dream... my dream was to marry the person whom i love...i wanted to fall in love with person before whom i was about to marry... and of-course give everything my family wanted.. they never come to situation where they become dependent on anybody...

Not money or fame... i wanted my parents to proud of me...

Bloodyhell... i had both... i lived both... and i couldn't keep them....

How i confessed my love after creating so much chaos in our life will be in my another chapter...