My Last Love Letter Never been Posted!

Well! this is a story of my last attempt to connect with him back!

Let me rewind this back few days from the day i attempted to meet him...

It was this phase when my mom last wish for me was to get married!
People might think , because its high time... i am growing old ... but the real reason my mother pushed so much for it, coz she know how difficult i am to let anyone in....and she worried that i shall never let anyone enter my life.... she just ddn want me to be alone ...coz the person i am.. how fragile i am from inside...... in a way , its true and her worry was true!

and one more reason was, she ddn want to be on photo frame to witness my wedding!

i feel really guilty that i couldn't fulfill my mother wish!!! how selfish person i am !!! If she would have asked me anything else i would have given everything... but my heart don't listen to me....
i can't let anybody else life ruined because of me....coz i know i would not have been 100% true to the person... i wouldn't have put my all heart out!!!

But one day when i was with her in hospital! she finally asked my permission to stop this treatment and let her go!!! and my response in the most shuttle way was "Mom this your life... you have the full right what you want to do in your life... you don't need to ask anyone permission.. am their with you always ..watever you decide" ... though my heart was screaming and crying..."Mom please go! please don't leave me alone... i can't live without you!!!"

Coz if i had said what my heart was screaming... she would have borne that pain and she would have tried to live with it... which i could not have asked... i can't see my loved one in so much pain for my own selfish reason!!! i know it was already hard for her to bear the pain she was in... and over an above the life she was living was only for us!!!

But than she persuaded of knowing where my heart was! and i clearly told her... yes he is not married ...but it doesn't mean he is still in love with me.... but she said... it can't be... and she kept insisting ...but i couldn't reveal that this is very much possible... i have seen people falling out of love.... and this guy!!! i never corrected him... never explained to him.... his hatred is already hard-coded against me....till the time i shall not explain to him what actually i did... and his perception him leaving me is a situation created by me... well planned! till that time... he will always believe it happen naturally....

i know how difficult it was to make him hate me... to make him regret me... coz he knew me too well!!! and with tym to make him believe i became exactly what he never expected me to be....was itself a challenge.... but the fundamental of life was amazing... when i realized what mistake i was making.... and felt i should correct it... the damage was already done!! and when i was planning to stop this... he stopped looking back to me....

So, this time i had planned something... something i never do... go back and attempt to explain... so i made my first holiday plan ... randomly.. i was looking wat is cheapest trip... and irony of life... the ticket was available of the city where my relatives were and were he stayed... i thought may be it just a coincidence....but it does not seem like to me anymore... checked with my cousin, my trip was falling into place... thought may be if ever i cross by him i might explain... but will never try to get in touch with him...

so the holiday came near by... this city i never visited before in life.. and when i told my mother about my trip... she ddn stop... as if she wanted me to have this last try... though in my mind i knew what mom is thinking shall never happen ... coz i know what i have done in my past....

So just before the trip.. i just thought if i ever meet him... what shall i say! i knew i could not explain him what i did in one meeting... so taught of writing a letter to him... what my heart wanted to reveal all these years... and i did....i thought i should post it... than i thought i should visit his place and give it.. and than thought let time shall tell... what it want to be.....

and my journey start... this was after 2 years i planned a holiday... where my routine life was going for rest... my mom tried to be strong... coz i knew she could not live without me any single day....
and i reached to the city early morning where my relatives were their to pick me up.... after having a nice breakfast.. it was nice and sunny weather... and felt like sleeping... i realized my routines life i have not slept properly for months...... and my routine was to wake up every single hour....n i slept... for few hours... felt so refreshed....in the evening we went out to checkout the city... and walked all over the places....than i had planned to visit the city where he stayed and stay and explore that hill station as part of vacation....

So in night we had feast.... oh! i forgot... just before i made this trip... one of my mom's sister called me up to convince me that i should go and meet him once... and she gave her life story what mistake has happen if you don't follow your heart...

Can't believe my mom taking support of all her sister to convince me to do something which i undo coz they were not in love with my choice... anyways back to where i was earlier...

that nite when i had plan next morning to travel to another city where me and my cousin would be only one to chill out! my another aunt.. mom's sister.." where i was staying" had a long chat ... again convincing me to chat with him... and connect back with him... everybody in my family was trying to convince me to talk to him... and i just wondered if this would not have been the situation... years back if this had been where everyone in my family pushing me to talk to him... whole scene would have been different... i know this for sure.. coz i know i would have tried...and i know i would have been happily married by now....

nonetheless... whatever happen .. happen.. and may be that's why i push ppl who feel the love story is about to end... very few realize that is high time to keep this going... if you survive this ... you shall be together.. and hence i guess.. i get happy when i hear someone love story reaching to the stage to courtship...

and i tried convincing everyone back... that i know he doesn't love me anymore... he is not married has nothing to do with me... and nothing in my life bother's him nor i do... i just wish wherever he be... he be happy... that's it!!!

anyways...after this long discussion... i went to bed with my sister's and they were talking about their love trouble... man... i can't handle mine.. and i am giving suggestion to them.. but i know they look upto me for advice..as me being big sister... so just showed their answers by asking them their questions... i don't give advice to people .. let it be my friend colleague or family... i give them my life example.. and show them both sides of the coin... for them to decide what is best for them....

anyways... after long chat with them ... we finally slept... and early morning my aunt came and woke me up... asked where my phone is .. and i realized i got so many call from home early morning,.... and i called them back.. and realized ... i was summoned back because my mom was very afraid without me...

You know in my past 2 years.. every-time i spoke to my mom with smile and jolly face... irrelevant how down and broken i was from inside... every evening when i came home.. and shout out mom name with the same energy as before... and that voice bring back smile to forget her pain for sometime...

She always told me.. i m her butterfly... i bring life to home... i bring energy and synergy to this home...where she feel locked all day long... i would share some happy instances with her.. to make her smile... and she would patiently listen to all my stories... she knew most of my stories after him... and when i go back to sleep in my room... i cry while sleeping....

i know i can't act 24x7... have to take it out ...so i cry silently and with that i sleep every night!

coming back to the story... she called me because she wanted me to be with her... she was afraid to die... and her voice spoke that .....so i said yes i am coming... don't worry mom... i am here... and nothing will happen... post that she was silent... and next thing i did was to book a flight back home...

the place i was, the frequency of flight is very less.. either morning or evening.....and morning already went.. so found whatever evening flight and booked.. and i have whole day to wait for my flight...

i wondered what to do next 10 hours which i have with me... i thought let hangout near by...as we wont be able to make the next trip... and don't know why after few minutes of thinking... i said to myself... live today... if you have something in your mind clear it out... and in few minutes i changed my plan ....and finally said to myself... i shall go to the city... its was 2 hour drive from my place...and figured if chances of meeting him is meant so it will be... if not... i will hangout for few hours and head back...

So took my aunt car , ready with my cousin and out we went for the drive.. Must say the roads were super awesome... it felt like your driving on the roads of how NFS games has... beautiful scenery .. nice weather....and superb road....

and while we were driving in turns... and i finally gave a thought to what everyone was trying to convince me ... earlier.... i thought if i would have be their for a week... so definitely would have ended up passing by him ... but this time i was their for only few hours...so finally messaged him... and said to him that i am coming to his town for few hours... and if he is ok... wana meet...

i know he read my message but ddn respond... i shall never want anyone sympathy... and win back ppl for such reason... but if he really wanted to meet.. he shall respond.. else it clearly meant... dont bother...

Reached to that place.. and whole city was changed... as i went back to the city almost a decade later...
last i know i was their coz my mom knew i missed him.. and so she took me to that city ..so that i can meet him... and formally introduce my ppl...
as soon as i entered the city ... old memories refreshed....
but yes nothing was same anymore... it was too crowded now... less greenery... so we went for lunch.. and than the lake... i have been to this place before... let say it called the hangout place of that town... and we stayed their for few hours... i did wished he respond... but he ddn... and i shall never force anyone to meet me... specially i know that for my weakness...

so it was time to head back... and all the way.. i wished he respond.. he meet me... but none of that happen... anyways... as mins was passing by..... my countdown started... and it was time for me to return back ... so while heading home... felt i have been to this path before... and don't know why i turn to side road.. and stopped by.. and asked my cousin what this place is called... and when she said.. i realized i m right across where he lives..... and than i received a official call... so i attended .... in that time.. i saw a biker.. all of sudden stopped in-front of my car... and don't know why he turned back and looked at me for a while... and i wondered why this stranger is doing that... i guess he was their for a while.. and i was busy attending the call.. since he was wearing a helmet so can't c his face.. but i knew that guy was smiling while looking at me....i thought small city.. that how girls get noticed here... but again i thought..no stranger shall be fool enough to be doing that.. i thought .. is it him.. but i felt ..no though i could not see his face.. but the body structure doesn't see the same.. but i could be wrong...coz it had been 7 years i have last seen him....i had second thoughts purely because the way he stopped and smile back.. it made me wondered ....but than i ignored.. and was more worried for my others cousin... as i needed to drive them back home safely... we were 3 females on our own ..in a town...so finally... i drove down the road...and with my old memory recalling his home....
And i drove across his home... and realize this is it... without telling my cousin i turned back explaining , i took a wrong route... and doing so waited their for while... i gave a thought should i or should not i go for it... i waited for few mins...i was just doorstep away ... and than i decided ... i shall not bother people when i am weak.. i attempted to get in touch with him..despite that if he chose not to contact back...than i need to respect his wish.. despite what my story was....

for the last time i crossed his home... saying in my mind... may be one day he shall read the letter...when i be gone....and we headed back... i was already late coz i needed to catch my flight... so was rushing back.... and evening started... i just captured the beautiful memory i had ...despite how small it was.. the road was super sexy....and i loved the drive.... and as soon as i reached home... i rushed back ..and took my luggage and aunt and their family dropped me off to the airport....

when i boarded my flight... i had two hours for myself ..before my challenging life start again...and in those two hours... i just recalled what all happened today... and i again wrote a letter.... saying goodbye to him... this is my last love letter to him... and if ever he get it by any mean when i be gone... i wanted him to know my story.. that was never been told....i know i was extremely emotional... and cried the whole journey... thankfully the plain light were dim so that the next passenger couldn't see me crying....

and as i was reaching near my city.. i was preparing the long nite that was waiting for me.... i reached delhi 10 in the nite... and was alone looking for taxi... for some reason all the online cab were super expensive and huge waiting in the local taxi... tried my best and finally ended waiting for the local taxi...
yes i traveled in the midnight on my own on local taxi.. in the city which is not called safe for women.. but i was more worried for what was coming next for me... so i ddn go home.. i straight landed in the hospital... asked my dad to come down... took two piece home suit out from my luggage and asked my dad to go home and rest ... and i straight headed to my mom's room... she was sleeping or say trying to sleep for a while with help of pain killer...and i know her face was worried and scared... so silently i changed and settled down... and after while she woke-up... and she was surprised to see me...and she said your here...i could see her smile and her guilt too.. guilt coz she felt that she ruined my holiday and called me back...and smile because she was afraid to be without me..and now she was relieved....
and i know whatever happen i made the right choice in not troubling someone who chose to not to be in touch with me.. and i am glad i made an attempt to the extend i can... but i also have no regret for whatever i decided in my past...now i know whatever it was... it best ...coz people who want to be with you .. who love you.... will always be with you...even if you have not spoken to them for years... and it just proved the day my mom left me!

The day My Mom left me... she made me learn a big lesson of my life... to live in the present and not in past !!Their is no tomorrow!