My Birthday without You!

Today was the hardest nite that i was scared to spend through all alone!!!

My first bday without my mom, all alone!!!

Infact i asked my dad to also not to join me, because i just wanted to be alone... little i knew my mom always planned something for me even though she not being around physically ...
but i knew she ddn want me to be alone on her special day of being mother of her girl child that she prayed for years!!

a day before ,out of the blue i decided to stay away from home! and out of the blue, i asked a friend of mine to company me... i ddn expected him to say " yes".. as it was completely last min thing... like within hours we would leave for our journey!

I shall always be thankful to him that he was their with me on my hardest day of my life...
i thought he was pretty save.. coz never i thought he would have any interest in me... but i shall always cherish my moment of being loved by someone which i guess i forgot and he made me relive it!

we were at the best tym of our ride ... plain night sky.. seeing the star twinkling... cold outside and we listening to music in full volume... and driving at the thrill speed..
i thought its best... i stay away from my home... and with a friend who knew little about me...neither he will know how that day would be for me.. and we shall come back without him knowing my real reasons of staying out.... my first night out after a decade i guess...

As we reached to another city.. and got bottle to drink that night... i desperately needed to drink to live through the day that was about to come....we both settled in a room.. ready with our bottle.. i guess he would have half dozen of beer bottle and i was having a full bottle of large vodka... yup this was first tym i was about to have so much alcohol in my life... n i actually wanted to be drunk... after completely 3/4 of the bottle and chatting rubbish about big boss which he was a regular follower.... i started getting dizzy and sleepy....  and he kept screaming on my face to not to sleep... we would be seeing some random music channel.. and he would purposely put it in full volume.. failing for me to sleep...
he kept insisting to sleep post midnight... but i just wanted to sleep...so he sat next in my bed.... keeping me awake by not letting me having my peaceful sleep...

i told him i cant sleep.. if someone hold me or is next to me... and he said good.. and he said i am not going to let you sleep alone... so he hold me tight... and for some odd reason... i ddn feel weird.. coz his way of holding me was like a caring feeling... may b my drink and being emotionless for years... i forgot what it felt like when someone gives you a very warm hug...

after sometime.. he too stopped struggling and i guess he too got hung over... as he said he drank so much after years... so i told him you should sleep... but he would not leave my bed... and purposely stayed next to me hugging me and holding me... like he too have missed it for years... so i gave up finally... and let him sleep next to me... and we would have slept for couple of hours.. and i was deep sleep.. but i could feel his touch.. the way he locked his hand with mine... i just taught .. he is like a baby...because the gesture he was doing was very innocent...and i liked it too....

I suddenly realized i always wished to sleep like this ... with whom i love...and i am sleeping with someone who i dnt know too much.. i just knew he is a innocent flirtbazz but from inside he has a pure heart.. that he doesn't show to anyone.. with his touch i realized he is a very sensitive person from inside...

i was deep sleep.. suddenly  i was half conscious.. coz he was tring to kiss me.. i told him that i am not comfortable... and he said okay... but after a while he again tried.. after all he is the Mr.flirtbazz... and for some odd reason.. i kissed him back too..

Okay confession, that was the best kiss i ever had... i guess that was my 1st real kiss which i loved!
in back of my mind... i thought i longed for such feeling and now.. i  felt that with him...
for some odd reason... i was not uncomfortable with him... and for some odd reasons.. i felt my heart warm... myself not feeling of being alone... feeling of being hugged and hold by someone with whom i could let go! and after we hugged and kiss for a while i slept.. and exactly in midnight he played a funny b'day song in his phone in midnight...

and i laughed.. the night were i should be crying i was laughing... seeing him to be singing that funny b'day song... seeing him laughing with me...i could not believe myself i was laughing... and he than gave me a gift... that just melted my heart... a person with last min trip.. was thoughtful enough to bring a gift for me... i realized.... it been ages that anyone has ever gave me gift...and i told him.. no one ever gifted me for over a decade....

no one knows that doing unexpected warm gesture...smallest of making me not feel alone ..caring & respecting the ppl whom i love.... is the way anyone can melt my heart!!!

and he did exactly the same.. and i hugged him so hard and for longest time.. and he hugged me back exactly the way i wanted it to be .....
in back of my mind... i just longed for this for years... and on my bday i got that warmth... and i felt as if my mom said to be.. see you can always love again! you still have so much love to give...

and while being with him.. i felt... why i haven't thought of him...he is like perfect person for me physically and emotionally.. but i knew his life story... so it kept me that maybe you would like him in the manner but not necessary you could be what he might be looking for...

the feeling of loosing someone came back.. but i thought today is my day... and i want it to be remember for life with him without thinking that maybe after this we wont be together ...and whole night we chatted and hugged and practically ddn sleep.. and when i came back to conscious.. i thought don't get carried away with his warmth.. you need to live alone! don't be attached to him while he was deep asleep... so i went to another bed and slept...

and next hour i found him again sleeping next to me...so i gave up.. and woke-up and went to shower.... watched him sleeping.. like a small kid.. can't believe how moments change the whole feeling of what you thought how will you spend your tym...

i captured that moment in my memory... because i just felt this would be a very beautiful memory but i knew i can't be with him ... he is a happy child.. n i can't let my dark side ever bring that... he is being loved by 1000s and i know my emotional fool behavior need to kept in check!

First tym i saw him more than a friend.....but i keep my self believed that this is it! i can't go ahead with him... so i again told myself ... live your today with him like your last... and be strong to stay away....

we drove all day in city and we both were too tired... and started to head back to our home...that drive i knew that i ddn wanted to .. but i had too.... so we reached back our city... i dropped him off... and headed back to my place....

and all of sudden i cried....that i did experience what i wanted but i had to let go...coz i am afraid to be in anybody life.... i am too scared of being heartbroken ... so before he could break mine... i broke my heart myself....without him knowing that i was falling for him....

for him... i am just a CRAZY WOMEN today! and little he knows that he is the not the first whom i pushed away!

No body knows when i hurt ppl or be hard on them... i hurt myself more!  People believe that i am selfish... and stubborn and hard on ppl...but no one knows... i keep ppl away coz i am afraid to hurt them....

Every time when i am weak.. i look at my mirror... and remind myself... that i am ALONE...and i will always be ALONE... i best being ALONE!!!

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