Heart Vs Mind

I just couldn't believe what just happen....did he really say "I Love You" .. Hello!!!! i was still shock but more than that surprised, that i could be approached by him unexpectedly.......

And i was talking to myself "Miaka whats wrong with you... you always knew if the guy likes you or not .. long before he dare to approach you... what happen this time, how you couldn't assess this before... how he could enter... when did you gave him the access.Were you ignorant to read all the signs. How you could not see what's was coming , this time."

I just couldn't sleep that night... past moments were running in my mind... one of the most restless night...
i don't remember when i fall asleep...i woke up morning... bit angry...bit aggressive behavior... because all this happen and i was the last person to know this... all our friend circle knew what was coming except me...
everybody knew about his feeling.. friends who claimed they are my friends they too ddn speak out to me... i felt bit betrayed that my friends were more of his friends .... they should be my friends .. should be telling me whats happening around ... but no body spoke... nobody spoke before him....

it was like me vs. them, that point of time...i was so angry and hurt ..felt bit betrayed by my friends... i walked alone to college... i felt i lost a friend that day... i felt being on my own...but ddn say a word to anybody... that day i had mechanical workshop... i ddn knew what happen... but i was cutting a metal piece and while i was sawing that metal... i was having so many flashbacks... that all the signs where their, all the blank pages started getting filled , all that questions i was having in my heart/head started getting answered, it was like i was slowing solving the jigsaw puzzle .My anger energy channelized on that saw and i was just cutting that metal piece, though i was not actually looking on the piece i was just lost in my thoughts and though it looked i was focusing on cutting that metal piece...
one think good came out, my aggression allowed me to complete my task in my workshop, which i was not able to do before.

While coming back to the hostel, i just couldn't believe," why i felt that day running so slow ... why i felt that something big was about to happen and it did.." and never dream of this in my life how that conversation turned out to be... i thought i was about to loose a friend... but i did loose a friend and that moment just got hard-corded in me.

In parallel i was suppose to be doing a dance performance with our dance group for our colg fest, and that evening i had to go to practice the routine... so i changed and went back to the cafeteria , where at 1st floor our dance group were suppose to meet for practice... down i saw my friends and his friend sitting with him in cafe... he looked sad... looking them together i got more angry...... made me more aggressive...i just looked them, no smile nothing, and walked past by them... i knew everybody became silent when they saw me... and though they acted not looking at me.. but their eyes-balls where looking me..i literally burned the dance floor that day..... my group thought i am was superb... they knew little that i was not actually dancing... i was just pushing myself to keep them off my mind...
Dance do help me rejuvenate... and it did for me that evening...

i went to my room and relaxed... by the tym my roommates came to room, i went out..coz i was just angry... and went for a really long walk... don't know where , why... just walked for miles...and since i know my responsibility i came to hostel by 7pm as per the time limit.. coz i knew i am answerable to my parents... for whatever is happening with me... my life belong to my family and i should be responsible too.

I was just shut... and was sitting in the mess for dinner, and my friends came to me... and sat... i ddn say a word...but they wanted to share me something....so they all revealed what happen which i ddn know, coz they knew i was angry on them too... and that was more than a surprise to me... that  what he actually planned and how it turn out to be...

So after coming from home... this semester he had planned to propose me ... and he wanted to be in the most magical and fantasy way possible by proposing me in front of the whole group of our friends...he planned many things , in the most beautiful way of proposing a girl...that any girl would fall for it...when i heard his plan, i was surprise... and i said to myself... he planned all this..for me...its so beautiful,.. coz i am fantasy lover girl... my anger was bit down...and felt if this would have happen would my response have been the same.. I REALLY DON'T KNOW NOW!!
I loved the idea that he wanted to propose me in front of all the ppl we know... i like it when ppl do stuff openly without the fear of society or parents... i love the idea when ppl aren't afraid to confess to parents of their personal life...and he already did to his mom...his cousins..brother...and friends...

And just because we fought few days back the whole background changed... because we were in a situation that we would breakup our friendship...i again couldn't sleep this time either...thinking what happened and what it could have happen..

it no irony, that planned things doesn't work in my life... but the unexpected do....and my fight between my heart vs. mind continued for really long time...