I call Myself ..A Peaceful Warrior

Today i am happy for my brother coz his longest struggle is finally over.... he lost his career ... his life ... his love life... coz things didn't work in favor for the longest time... but today he is starting a new job after being jobless for almost a decade.... i am so happy for him.. coz i know he will go long way... way ahead than any of us can ever be... coz he smarter than me... better than me... intelligent than i am... and finally my mom's last wish fulfilled despite being late... but never....!!! Today when i woke up... i saw him all ready to go for his life... i missed this look for the longest time. i still remember when he was in his highest point of life, and i used to look up to him... i was reminded all my life to be more of him... the best son ever.... sometimes i was jealous.. and i always used to say to my parents... you love him more than me.... but he was jealous of me... because with tym he had to share his stuff with me... and i always...

So, nothing much to talk today... everyone is rushing to reach to their loved ones... and celebrate their festive time with their family, love, life.... But i am here passing time... coz i know i feel the emptiness inside.. emptiness of missing what festive season used to mean me... Now, whenever something good comes or even a festival season is on... I just feel blank... Everyone shares their craze for the festival... some going for shopping to buy new item.. some meeting their family after a long time... some meeting their love and celebrating the festive season with them.... some going on vacation with their children... so many stories... but mine... i just feel lonely.. empty...blank ...maybe because.. i lost the meaning of being happy... maybe because i miss my mom whenever such occasion occurs... coz i celebrated the festive season with her...i was happy with her being around... Today, no reason i remember everything she did...i am just trying my best to replicat...

This is a song... but the lyrics define me in a way.... My heart is so habituated of hurting itself...that it has forgotten to fight.... Even though i feel and see a sign of the person like me... i never asked them, except once that do they like me? Coz i don't believe in assuming without knowing or being told... my imagination has no boundaries... and maybe because i am hardcoded with "Everyone is better off without you" Every time when i am in trouble... i don't have someone to call... but i remind myself.. you're alone. figure out yourself... Every time when i am sick... i don't have someone to take care of me....or even worried to know about me... Every night i go to the park and walk alone... and in my mind... i miss my mom, i missed my old me and every time i cry in that path...without other seeing me in the dark.... But today it was different... coz today is a festive nite for couples... where wife waiting for the moon to open...